Nick’s journey to find love begins with 30 women, a camel, and a shark-dolphin.
Hello again,Bachelorfans!
Id like to officially welcome you all to the season ABCdesperatelywants to work.
Credit: ABC/Rick Rowell
(But what will America believe if Nick doesnt find love?)
In these trying times, is Nick our only hope?
Excuse me while I go call my therapist.
And here you thought Bens blue boxer briefs were scandalous.
(What does it say that I remember the color?)
(That last one was me.)
Catching up with Nick in his hometown of Waukesha (because Milwaukee seemed too boring to say?
According to Nick, hes ready to give America a happy ending.
Nowthat, my friends, is dedication.
You might even say he wants to make America love again.
Ben tells Nick to trust himself before he turns to the camera and explains how he really feels.
Now, Im not a huge Nick fan, but has he killed someone we dont know about?
Or, in a bigger twist, has Ben secretly been judgmental this whole time?!
Just like that, weve made it to night one!
YOU ARE AN ATTORNEY.
Always a great way to kick off a relationship.
Wait, she just told him to scoop her up.
I take it back.First impression:Why is everyone wearing red?
Lauren, 30.Lauren handled this one for me.
So basically, together, you and I are a disgusting slut.
First impression:If thats not the start of an epic love story, I dont know what is!
Olivia, 25.Olivias from Alaska, so she goes in for the Eskimo kiss.
And apparently, in Nicks mind, jogging 20 feet makes you athletic.
She thought Nick would appreciate another runner-up.
Ill let Nick take this one: As far as runner-up jokes, that was pretty good.
AS FAR AS RUNNER-UP JOKES GO.
Translation: Your joke sucked.
But why is Sarah so hungry?
How long had she been running?First impression:Keep running, sweetheart.
(Im looking at you, awkward one-arm hug.)
Which woman just called Neil Lane the ring guy?
Hes never coming back to the show after he sees this.
Hailey, 23.And here we go.
As Hailey tells Nick, Do you know what a girl wearing underwear says?
According to Hailey, Nick is a very sexual man unlike other men?
And thank goodness for that.First impression:Theres a reason German isnt a romance language.
But when Nick asked for her number the next day, she said no.
So yeah, we have very different definitions of the word glamorous.
Her only downfall is she thinks she gets an engagement ring for each hand?
Its hard to tell because shes arguably the most monotone person in the entire world.
Because thats how long it will take him to get sick of her lack of inflection.
Because apparently, thats what excitement looks like in Arkansas.First impression:Yeah, Im never going to Arkansas.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME, ABC??
Whitney, 25.Another red dress.
Alexis, 23.Alexis loves costumes, showing her cleavage, and more than anything, dolphins.
After all, shes an aspiring dolphin trainer.
Because she loves dolphins so much she doesnt know theyre different from sharks!
(Speaking of which, her career could take a very deadly turn.)
The worst part of all of this is how many women get in on the shark vs. dolphin debate.
Bonus: Alexis shall now be known as shark lady.
But can she teach him to dance in a square?!
And shell call it ballroom dancing, too.
(Is it just me, or does that rose have some special powers?)
But Corinnes not worried.
She pulls Nick aside and gives him a bag of tokens her nanny undoubtedly packed for her.
Each token gets him something and hes free to cash them in whenever he wants.
You know what they say: Playing hard to get is so overrated.
And yet, Corinne still didnt make things as easy for Nick as she wanted.
That, kids, is what we call nonconsensual.
Or in other words: bad.
Word of the kiss spreads quickly, but Astrid isnt worried.
Well, alright then.
Furthermore, shes going to be the first dolphin to get a rose.
Well see about that.
First, Nick has to talk to Liz about the fact that they, you know, had sex.
With that, Harrison enters and pulls Nick away to make some tough decisions.
And thats all she I wrote for the night.
Ill see you all next week.
