Not what you were expecting?
Well, this show never is.
Remember when she wore a unicorn mask to meet a man?
Credit: ABC/Rick Rowell
And then there was that CLASSIC moment when ABC tried to kill her with a helicopter.
So now that JoJo is thoroughly depressed, lets help her find love, shall we?!
The good news is that JoJo is moving forward with her life.
Long story short, all of the women encourage JoJo to kiss men on night one.
However, as far as regrets go, Kaitlyn has a big one, and his name is Nick.
Hot tip for JoJo: Maybe dont sleep with a guy in the middle of the show?
But thats enough sort-of helpful advice!
Lets get to the fellas!
After Chris Harrison gives JoJo quite the intro shes smart, funny, gorgeous,andsuccessful!
Who knew a woman could be so many things?!
JoJo gets ready to meet the first limo.
Jordan, 27.The first guy out of the limo is none other than Aaron Rodgers little brother, Jordan.
But when he gets out of the limo, JoJo is IMPRESSED.
JoJos already giving this guy a rose.
First impression:We probably just met our MVP of the night.
Derek, 29.Everyone, meet Derek.
Hes a commercial banker who chose not to wear a tie tonight.
He thinks thats probably why hes a firefighter.
Once out of the limo, Grant assures JoJo that he wont fall in love with two girls.
He wont do what Ben did to her.
Obviously, theres literally one woman on this show.
WAY TO OPEN OLD WOUNDS, DUDE.
First impression:He means well, but its not all there yet.
First impression:Not a TKO.
(Not sorry for that one.)
However, he gets points for bringing a bottle of wine and chugging it like a true Fletcher.
First impression:Potential alcoholic but definite contender.
Also, his first interaction with JoJo is hella serious and he seems to only give one-armed hugs?
First impression:Im suspicious of his refusal to use his left arm.
Will, 26.Oh, Will.
You know its a bad joke when JoJo legit does not get it.
What did Chandler say onFriends?
You know its a bad joke if you have to explain it?
Yeah, what he said.
First impression:Awkward but potentially adorable?
First impression:Back up, buddy.
Daniel, 31.Well, his job is CANADIAN.
And then theres the moment he interrupts JoJo mid-sentence to kiss her on the cheek.
The real twist: He didnt even apologize.
First impression:Is this guy actually Canadian?
But I have to say, he is adorably awkward when he first sees JoJo.
JoJo tries to assure him that shes SO NORMAL, but all Ali can imagine is their surfer children.
First impression:Ill give him a chance.
James Taylor, 29.Our first real entrance of the night, James Taylor walks up playing guitar.
But before you get too excited, its not THE James Taylor.
Its the poor guy who grew up with his name.
A fellow Texan, James cant get over how JoJo is way more prettier than on TV.
Yeah, first he says that, then he walks the wrong direction into the mansion.
(Somewhere, the real James Taylor is humiliated.)
First impression:Flustered … but sweet?
Jonathan, 29.Big entrance number two?
Jon shows up in a kilt.
As someone whos half-Chinese and half-Scottish, he assures JoJo that he is half-Scottish below the waist.
It only means one thing and we all know what it is.
First impression:Dont say panties.
I hate to break it to these guys, but kilts are a thing.
Clearly, no one here watchesOutlander.
First impression:No, no, no, no, no.
Inside, Daniel goes from being peeved about the kilt to being straight-up pissed that Santas here.
Clearly weve found our Scrooge.
NEXT: Hipster is a job title
Chase, 27.So.
First impression:[Insert mustache pun to stop all mustache puns.]
Jake, 27.Jake is an architect, and thats literally all we know about him at this point.
First impression:At least he has a real job?
Sal, 28.Oh Sal.
Someone tell Daniel about this and see how mad he gets!)
First impression:Pass.
Coley, 27.Coleys another one we dont see much of.
All we get is a cheesy real estate joke and a look at his neck hair.
Brandon, 28.Hes a hipster … FOR A LIVING.
And heres a shocking fact: Hes never watched the show!
(Yes, because most hipsters love reality TV!)
First impression:Definitely lives in his parents basement.
Also, did he just practice saying I do accept this rose?
First impression:Run, JoJo.
Nick S., 26.Do we think he had his suit specifically tailored so that he could do the splits?
First impression:Hes flexible?
First impression:Forgettable.
Not gonna lie, it made me laugh.
First impression:Creative … but is he secretly obsessed with social media?
But seriously, he and Daniel have some anger issues.
And why did Cody think the Bachelorette would consist of the number one guy from every state?
Better question: In what world ishethe number one guy from ANY state?
So his priorities shifted, as they do, from religion to erections.
But hey, weve all been there, right?
Now, Evan spends his days pumping up guys and getting them excited.
First impression:To quote Evan, Oh my god bless America.
With that, he brings along All-4-One to serenade JoJo.
And she loves it.
First impression:Hey, he knows what works for him.
Christian, 26.Im not going to lie: Christian confuses me.
He works out at 4:30 a.m. every day but is a telecoms communications tech consultant.
Hes a good brother but rides a motorcycle.
First impression:Good luck putting this guy in a box!
Luke, 31.Fun fact about Luke: He was feeding cattle BEFORE HE COULD WALK.
So theres a visual for you.
Wanna know how that horse felt about it?
Yeah, Coconut peaced out the first chance he got.
First impression:He has a surprising lack of facial expression, no?
Okay, guys, weve made it.
Those are the men.
And apparently, a few of them got JoJo going!
Lets head inside to see how scruffy, angry Chad is feeling.
Yep, he just accidentally talked about JoJos boobs.
Way to live your best life, Chad.
Once JoJo makes her way inside, we discover our word of the season: Hot.
If you drink every time JoJo says hot, well, youll end up like Daniel.
But well get to that.
The first guy to pull JoJo away from the crowd is Alex, the marine with a twin.
And to make him stand out, he decides to do push-ups while JoJo sits on his back.
Meanwhile, Chad is unimpressed.
As Chad sees it, you better be able to do push-ups with a girl on you.
Is there a tough guy book where this is a rule?
Does it go along with you dont shave your neck?
More generally, JoJo is getting a little fed up at how nervous all the guys are.
How is she supposed to connect with someone when theyre all so tense?
Sitting with Jordan, JoJo feels her first real connection of the evening.
Only, this one is from Will and it is PAINFUL.
Instead, Will pecks at JoJo to the point where she literally says, maybe that will get better.
And for an instant, Im wishing I were as drunk as Daniel.
Thankfully, Jordan steals JoJo away and gives her the kind of first kiss she deserves!
And as far as JoJos concerned, the only thing better than that kiss is Jordans butt.
NEXT:JoJogives out the first impression rose!
Did he like rent them for the night?
Is he secretly blackmailing them?
Are they a hologram?
Whatever it is, JoJos feeling it.
Way to subtly throw that money in there, guy.
First, lets not even talk about your tense issues.
Instead, lets talk about how Chad seems to think hes a manlier, more rugged version of Ben.
Then he uses the word supple.
Again, is there a tough guy book where this is written?
And how do I get a copy?
So yeah, Canadians everywhere are apologizing to their friends right now.
But if that didnt make you uncomfortable, JoJo sitting on Santas lap will for sure do the trick.
But I can guarantee hes regretting it right about now.
Did you see the sweat on that brow?
I only have one question: How did he know her size?
Lets hope Jordans butt fairs better.
With that, its time for the rose ceremony.
First, Jake Pavelkas going to show up to freak everyone out.
Thankfully, Jakes just an old family friend who wants to give JoJo some advice.
Dont zero in on anybody, he says, crying inside as he remembers that time he chose Vienna.
Also, dont throw your walls up!
Awesome advice, Jake.
So happy you flew out here for that.
That means Jon, Jake, Sal, Coley, and Peter are headed home.
And for those keeping count, two of the three drunk guys made it to week two.
I guess Ill see you guys there.
