THIS is what life is all about, people.
So which ladies will get to join this perfect specimen on the first group date of the season?
Fun fact: The real Lace has terrible hearing.
Credit: Rick Rowell/ABC
The date card said Lets learn HOW TO love, not Lets learn ABOUT love.
Regardless, shed like you to know that shes not crazy.
She simply wants a rose and the promise of forever from a guy she just met.
So shes obviously not crazy.
Lace has been misrepresented, guys.
Its really not fair.
Inside, Professor Harrison he doesnt even get to be principal?
At the end of each class, one team will be eliminated.
In the end, one lucky lady will become Bens Homecoming Queen.
Quickly pairing off, theres one team with an obvious disadvantage: Lace and Jubilee.
Yes, Jubilee is ex-military and physically capable.
But Lace is the brains of their operation.
I repeat: Lace is the brains of their operation.
I would make a joke here, but it doesnt even feel necessary.
The ingredients: love, trust, friendship, and communication.
Not surprisingly, Jubilee and Lace are the first two eliminated.
Yeah, its not them essentially making out.
And this one from Lauren H.: Jackie is not great with her mouth, unfortunately.
Jackies tiny mouth lost that one for her team.)
The ladies are tasked with placing Indiana correctly on a map of the U.S. Becca and JoJo, who put Indiana sideways on the map.
Again, I cant make fun of them, but if youre good at geography, have at it!
But its not just any race its hurdles because this show just cannot help itself.
Fun fact: The dentist is weird, but shes also quick…or at least quicker than Amber.
Is it super romantic?
Clearly, Jennifers idea of romance is, well, a little sad.
(I take back every bad thing Ive ever said about Becca.)
She then tells Ben that this time around, shes not going to be scared to open up.
Personally, whenever someone describes a kiss as sweet, all I hear is, not good enough.
But at least she got her super romantic moment.
Laces reaction: Is she going to mount him?
So its safe to say that real Lace is subtle.
Meanwhile, back at the mansion, the girls are still figuring out what a date card is.
Spoiler: Its the thing that makes Olivia feel amillion terrifying feelings.
(Needless to say, shed have been great at bobbing for apples.)
Instead, the first one-on-one goes to Caila.
Her reaction: I dont even know how to say it, but I got a date card.
Well, Id say you just did.
She didnt mean to come off as whatever she came off as.
Laces crazy, right?
So at least she recognizes it?
But fun fact: The real Lace is big on interrupting people.
Also, she has a super tight grip.
Is Bens hand turning blue?
Thankfully, Jubilee enters and interrupts all the eye fing that definitely was not happening.
So what pressing conversation did Laceneedto have with Ben?
Obviously, she needed to tell him how amazing Denver the place he currently resides is.
It was a really insightful thought that Ben clearly appreciated.
I mean, if Lace is half as amazing as Denver is, shes getting that rose tonight.
Thats all I know.
Welcome to being high, JoJo.
After JoJo gets the date rose, Laces head is going all over the place.
NEXT: Kevin Hart and Ice Cube walk into theBachelormansion…
The next day is all about Caila and Ben… Just kidding!
EVEN ICE CUBE WANTSBACHELOR PADBACK.
Also, hes the only person in the history of this show who could and should say pimpin.
And that means Ben and Caila are going on a ride along… Get it?
(But this date really is about Caila and Ben, so stop worrying.)
Ice Cube:Uh, I married one.
Thats pretty romantic, huh?
Kevin Hart:I cooked some fried chicken one time in a Crock-Pot.
Yeah, that was cool.
Yep, Id watch this all day long.
But leave it up to Kevin to one up Jimmy and strip down.
More importantly, can we talk about how theyre half naked in the middle of a sketchy store?
Is this the worst date ever?
Because Im pretty sure Ben and Caila both just contracted something.
Caila explains how she wants someone who complements her before asking Ben if he still feels unlovable.
Hey guys, remember when Ben said he felt unlovable?
Long story short, Bens still waiting on someone to love him back.
How you almost get engaged, I have no idea.
Maybe he got down on one knee but didnt have a ring and just got back up?
All Ben knows is that Caila has depth, which earns her a rose.
It also earns her a private concert from Amos Lee, Bens favorite artist.
He spends more time looking at Amos than he does looking at his date.
And you know this place is legit because the lead doctors name is literally Dr. Love.
(I hear Dr.
Lust was taken.)
After performing a series of experiments, the scientists will score the ladies from 1 to 10.
The first test studies the visual cortex of the brain as the ladies are shown two images.
The test identifies what the women look at first.
For example, one of the photos is a split of Sean Lowe and Ben.
the smelling glands located near the reproductive organs).
I believe none of this.
Also, Shushanna speaks English!
The way you know this is fake?
(Damn, who knew your reproductive organs could ever smack you in the face like that?)
Yes, because all women want to smell like Chinese food.
Basically, its the shows way of getting these people to strip down even further.
Now, the results are in!
To sum things up: Sam is not a match for Ben, and Olivia is.
(As far as Im concerned, Emily won this date solely for admitting Im not very smart.)
(I guess that answers my question about whether producers thinks Ben deserves better than a hotel room.
And now hes ready to give her that kiss.
NEXT: Which lady leaves voluntarily?
That earns Amanda a kiss…but not a rose.
Nope, that goes to Olivia, who boasts, I dont know what rose ceremonies are really.
You might not know what rose ceremonies are like, but know this: Olivia Higgins sounds awful.
Finally, its cocktail party time, where Bens nerves are a little less.
But before he can visit anyone else, Olivia his wifey steals him for another kiss.
Translation: We just met; slow the hell down.
Shes just the best.
And leave it to Lace whos already slurring to confront Olivia.
Instead, Lace goes and grabs Ben to explain her bold personality.
Guys, theres a perfectly reasonable explanation: She was dorky looking when she was a kid.
As she asks Ben, Can I tell you one picture?
YOU LITERALLY CANNOT BUT WHATEVER.
Apparently, Lace became Lace the day she had bangs and two of her hairs curled.
Now I feel like I get her.
Explaining that her brothers pretended not to know her on the bus because of your bangs?
or your split personalities?
she says thats part of her that shes working on.
Thankfully for Ben, Lauren B saves him.
Meanwhile, Lace thinks everything wouldve been perfect if it wasnt forthatLace that came out.
So its confirmed: There are multiple Laces inside her head.
To reassure Lauren B, Ben gives her a picture of their first conversation.
He then gives Lauren H a first-place ribbon for managing the largest explosion at the science fair.
(How many pockets does Ben have?)
But Bens Make Everyone Feel Special tour isnt over yet.
Talking to Amanda, he once again thanks her for telling him about her daughters.
Furthermore, he wants to make her daughters barrettes.
Man, hes really pulling out all the stops with these women.
Well, except for Amber.
She doesnt even get a wave from across the room.
At this point, Harrison enters, signaling the transition from the women feeling special to feeling disposable.
(Does this mean Amber was originally going home?)
So, leaving us tonight are Sam, Mandi, and Jackie and her tiny mouth.
(The man knows what he doesnt want.)
Alright, with that, weve reached the end of week two.
If you need me, Ill be investigating Dr. Love.
