And dont even get me started on the most unbelievable thing of the season: Cailas fathers orange pants.
That was one twist I did NOT see coming.
And yet, here we are.
Credit: Matt Dunn/ABC
#neverforget
In Jamaica, Bens spending every free moment hoping and praying for clarity.
(This just in: Single people everywhere collectively tell Ben to f off.)
Meeting up with his parents, Ben hopes that mom and dad can share some wisdom.
In fact, mom finds this situation really disturbing.
If youve ever wondered what a proud mother looks like, this is not one.
After all, this meeting has been a long time in the making.
(…Has it?)
(Yep, dad has a favorite.)
(Sorry mom, dads taking the credit on this one.)
All you should probably know from this conversation is that both Lauren and Ben are ready for marriage.
Also, shes already calling David Dave, so at this point, shes winning, right?
Talking to Bens mom, Lauren explains how Ben makes her so happy.
But all mom wants to know is whether Laurens seen Ben be his own worst critic.
Translation: CAN YOU REALLY HANDLE MY SON?
If you think Ben is his own worst critic, what does that make you?
Again, mom is more focused on how Lauren could help Ben as a partner when he gets intense.
After all, it takes a special person to put up with all of Bens issues.
Is Lauren ready to talk him off the ledge?
That depends, mom, did you put him on that ledge??
Shes also still not going to help Ben with his decision.
Her only piece of advice to him: How in the heck are you ever going to choose?
(Somebodys definitely not winning MVP most valuable parent.)
Sitting outside, Lauren tells Ben that getting married, for me, is like a big commitment.
But only for her.
See, for Lauren, meeting Bens parents was the last step.
Now, take her back to Vegas!
This ones ready to get hitched!
(Read: Mom, much like Hannibal Lecter, likes instilling fear in the hearts of others.)
Because they were making out.
Yes Ben, because THIS wont make JoJo more nervous.
As mom puts it, they had too much cuddle time.
Talking to Bens dad, JoJo explains that Ben is her best friend.
And you know what?
Dad appreciates her emotion.
FINALLY we learn where Ben gets it from.
Talking to mom, JoJo once again tears up, explaining that Ben makes her feel safe.
As mom put its, JoJo just felt different.
Yep, lets go ahead and label mom #TeamJoJo.
(Suddenly I want a twist ending where he asks both women and we get aBachelorSister Wivesspin-off.)
Basically, dad is #TeamLauren, and mom is #TeamJoJo.
Speaking to the camera, mom gets emotional.
At the end of the day, she hates that he doesnt know who to plant his stake with.
Is that a euphemism?
(Clearly he was hoping his purple shirt would be loud enough to speak for him.)
Ill give you a hint Lauren: Hes not thinking about those darling baby turtles.
And yet, Lauren says she doesnt know what hard decisions he has to make.
Bens nervous their love story is too good to be true.
Um Ben, I know youve never broken up with someone you love, but thats a great start.
The really bad news?
When Ben leaves, his shoulder goes with him, leaving Lauren to cry with no real head support.
Ben will admit that Lauren was the frontrunner, but as times gone on, JoJos caught up.
So, in this scenario, Laurens the hare and JoJos the tortoise?
Today, the couple is getting in a Jeep and traveling to their second waterfall date of the season.
As for what JoJo thought of Bens family?
She could easily kick it with them.
And then, in a shocking twist of events, Ben dumps her for saying kick it!
Arriving at their destination, Ben introduces JoJo to the blue hole.
The water is so blue.
Turns out, it’s possible for you to judge a waterfall by its name!
Jumping into the water is Ben doggy paddling?
the two make out a bit before deciding its time to talk about life after this.
But when she asks Ben if he feels good, his response is simply, Thats a loaded question.
Once again nailing the appropriate response, JoJo simply says, Oh, God.
Opening up, Ben explains that his mind is in 1,000 different places hes dating 1,000 other women?!
Sitting on her slightly less-firm(?)
Ben, clearly not getting the whisper memo, yells that he loves her.
That leads us to this:
JoJo:But you love her, too.
JoJo:And you said that to her?
So, at least hes honest?
Walking away from JoJo, Bens a lost man.
Emotionally, Im lost…
In terms of what to do, Im lost.
Meeting up with Neil, Bens still unsure about which woman he wants to spend forever with.
But as soon as Neil asks, Do you know who it is?
Looking at the ring, Ben discovers which woman deserves the bling.
As for Lauren, shes still in shock that shes met the love of her life.
As she puts it, she thought that phrase was just something people said because it sounded nice.
You know, like, your hair looks good or those jeans dont make your ass look fat.
After the women both board their individual helicopters, the first one to see Ben is…JoJo.
First up, JoJo tells Ben that all of this could be worth it.
(Well, thats not completely true.
Prepare to run, JoJo.)
What, did you suddenly expect Ben to be an elegant speaker?
She asks where it went wrong, but all he can say is that it never did.
She simply wants to meet somebody who will love her back.
(Meanwhile, her brothers are calling their hitman.
Just kidding, they do their own dirty work.)
Its a love that I cant lose, he says as he calls Laurens father also named Dave!
#soulmates to ask for his daughters hand in marriage.
And Dave is INTO it, so much so that he tells Ben to have a great night.
Yep, enjoy all that cuddle time, Ben.
NEXT: True love (probably) exists!
Confession: Bens fist pump and woo might be the cutest thing Ive ever seen.
He was like Tiger Woods but without the ego or sex addiction.
Why do they keep calling each other another person or whatever?
YOU GUYS LIVED TOGETHER.
You probably know more about each other than Ben does.
Bens her person and shelooooveshim.
As for Ben, he tells her that he came into this feeling unlovable.
I want to wake up every morning and kiss you on the face.
Lauren, I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
Did he mention that he wants to kiss her?
Were there grammatical errors?
Does Ben struggle to get the ring out of his pocket?
Our first real glimpse into their married life?
Lauren telling Ben, Dont drop me, or you are toast.
Yep, these two kids might have a fighting chance after all.
After Ben expresses how watching that finale back makes him sick to his stomach no offense, Lauren!
Instead, it was the real Bachelor whisperer: Chris Harrison.
It was then that he realized he couldnt say goodbye to Lauren.
Bringing JoJo out on stage, JoJo once again proves that shes a class act.
And thats a good thing because shes thenext Bachelorette!
Get ready for more amazing bathing suits and angry brothers, guys!
(Wow, we werent quite wondering about THAT Lauren, but good for you two!)
Lauren says nothing was a surprise, and furthermore, she falls more in love with Ben every day.
I guess at this point I have to learn to accept Bens proposals for what they are.
Lets just hope his vows are a little better than his proposals.
Speaking of the wedding, Ben promises it will happen very soon.
With three minutes left to fill, Ben gives us his greatest line to date.
And for one more recap, so am I.
I have to say: Its been fun guys.
I will see you all whenThe Bachelorettepremieres in May.
