There’s a hurricane (metaphorically and actually) heading our way.
I think this is the first episode weve seen where were in no characters perspective!
What are we to make of such a thing?
Credit: Mark Schafer/Showtime
Who is driving this bus?
It just never gets easier dating in New York City, does it?
The waitress helpfully tells her to try Match instead because Tinder is a hookup app.
But look who is at the bar!
They get kicked out of the bar on account of the storm and he immediately starts hitting on her.
Outside, Helen is all like, Ugh, you want to ask me out?
Its just an interview for sex, she says.
Hes all, Cool, want to have sex?
And Helen, bless her, says yes.
So this is the wild Helen weve heard so much about!
She sneaks him into the basement entrance of the brownstone while the little kids are watching TV.
They proceed to have some hot-looking basement sex.
Before she can investigate, Martin is like, Oh hey, why is my surgeon in my kitchen?
Again this dude again seems like the greatest guy in the world.
Dr. U is all like, Wait I can show you a trick!
After Martin leaves, Helen is basically, Okay, so who are you?
Are you a nice guy that acts like a dk or a dk that acts like a nice guy?
Excellent question, Helen!
He doesnt get it.
It doesnt feel anything.
Well, that is it for Helen.
Shes done trying to figure these monster men out.
She goes upstairs and cries.
I cant for the life of me answer Helens question about this guy I keep going back and forth.
I do know that in the midst of all this heart exposing, hes distracted by a Tinder message!
He does help Martin, though, so thats something.
A real head scratcher.
Meanwhile, Alison is in labor.
She keeps calling Noah, who is not picking up.
Alison is all, Hey, Im not due for another five weeks.
The doctor lets her know that whether she planned on it or not, this baby is coming tonight.
Theres even talk of George Clooney committing man, Ilovethe idea of George Clooney portraying a fictionalized Noah Solloway!
Which…no way.
Inside, the party is raging as hard as the storm outside.
Eden is all sexy kittend out and brings him back to meet the producer, Rodney Callahan.
He tells Noah that hes the literary son of Norman Mailer.
(Ugh, yo dont tell Noah that.)
He puts out a table of cocaine, too, and Noah partakes.
Jennifer Lawrences name is dropped as a potential Alison character.
But imagine ifDecentwas really this popular of a book and then Hollywood just up and changed the ending?
People would lose their mind.
Anyway, maybe this isnt even going to happen because here comes bumbling idiot friend Max.
Noah tries to toss him, and Max bristles.
He reminds Noah that he was the one who leant him 50K when he needed it.
Noah hurries back to Rodney and tries to pretend like Max is Helens friend.
(If Noah only knew the half of it!)
Noah does some more coke and is clearly getting trashed but also is having a good time.
He and Eden dance, and ugh, you all know how I feel about this lady.
It doesnt really matter because the announcement comes moments later that the roads are closing.
Next: things are always darkest before dawn
Why the delay, Eden?
Noah and I are both wondering.
I suppose a lady needs her time.
He smokes some pot and smiles when he sees Norman MailersAn American Dreamon the coffee table.
And we all know that Noah has a tough time resisting both nubile young women and swimming pools.
So off go his clothes and in he goes.
But…well, oops: One of the young women is Whitney.
(Cue screaming.)
And I mean…this is enough to killeverysexual impulse for the rest of your life, right?
Whitney screams, and Noah flees into the rain.
He wrestles the keys away from the valet and gets in.
And thats when he notices the millions of missed messages and calls from Alison and the hospital.
Noah realizes hes managed to really screw the pooch on this one and starts cursing and driving.
Noah realizes hes also spiritually stuck in some mud and begins to cry.
Pull it together, Noah!
Its 10 p.m., and Alison has been in labor for at least five hours, poor thing.
Shes scared and freaked out and wants her husband.
Meanwhile, an hour later were back in Montauk.
Hes pissed because he got stuck cleaning out Alisons crap.
Well, it sounds like Luisa was stuck cleaning out Alisons crap.
Luisa, bless her, is like, I know how you could thank me: Lets get busy!
Hooray for hurricane sex!
But wait: Cole says he didnt bring a condom.
No problem, says Luisa.
Afterward Luisa gets practical: Cole is about to be homeless and rich.
She floats the idea of Cole moving to the city which he clearly is not into.
He asks if he should take it, and Luisa tells him, of course.
Turns out she cant get pregnant.
Cole has just about the worst reaction to this.
Hes all, Oh my god, my crazy grandmother was right: This familyiscursed!
And if you hear screaming, its because Im shouting in my empty apartment about adoption and surrogacy.
I mean, comeonpeople.
I agree, lady.
The world does not revolve around your pain.
She stomps off, and Cole lets her.
At 2 a.m., things have gotten really dark.
Alison is crying about not even wanting to have this baby.
(Boy,The Affairsure wants you to know how horrific childbirth is.)
The doctor tells her to pull it together.
Boy, everyone is hitting a real low this episode.
We cut back and forth between Alison and Cole both in a lot of pain.
(For you Cole-daddy theorists, this seems to be giving you a lot of bolstering.)
As the old home and memories go up in literal flames, the new baby is being born.
