Helen takes partying for one a little too seriously.
Its a Helen-versus-Noah split.
Not so much luck for Helen, but Im getting ahead of myself.
Credit: Mark Schafer/Showtime
Not one of these things are untrue.
The judge is all, A whole brownstone?!?
(Uh, that number is a little low these days for Brooklyn real estate but okay.)
This custody battle is obviously going to get ugly, and assets are going to be counted.
Helen is all, Whatever just stop saying paramour.
She prefers a much harsher C-word.
I hate him so much, she says.
(She bribed Whitney into going, naturally.)
She goes for some white wine, which I cant really fault her for.
Rough times for the Butler women.
Max decides to pop by with some pretty pink flowers.
He tells her they have enough time for her receive her present and for a roll in the hay.
(He doesnt say it like that.)
She offers some lame excuses about the kids.
Max is like, Hey I gave him 50 grand; he should be just fine!
If he thought Helen would be psyched about that, he thought wrong.
I wonder if shes wondering if Noah spent that money on an engagement ring?
Anyway, dead-boyfriend-walking tries to take it manfully.
He still cant get over the college thing, and that is rough.
She points out that Noah left her.
This is not the way to play this!
And now we get to the best part of this episode.
Helen undresses and drinks wine and sings along to great breakup anthem Changed the Locks by Lucinda Williams.
Its super sad and super relatable.
(We all do this kind of thing, right?
RIGHT?!!?)
And thats when she has the great idea to take the edible pot drop.
She dances her decision out.
Now drunk and most-definitely high she goes to her store and gets nuts and totally scares a customer.
Especially when she tells her stylist about some of her bodily functions.
(Just imagine what this hair stylist will be talking about with her friends tonight!)
This is all sorts of bad, and she most definitely should not be driving.
And it just gets worse.
The awfulness of this just keeps ratcheting up when a cop approaches.
I need to call my husband, she says.
Noah arrives in a cab, a hero to the kiddos.
Helen looks at him and asks in an even voice, Why are you doing this to us?
Noah certainly doesnt have an answer to that.
This time the judge seems awfully concerned with whether Noah will be living with Alison or not.
That seems rather rough!
He points out that custody battles are simply garbage for children.
Noah and Helen share a complicated look across the court.
Noah meets Alison at a cute cafe.
Alison is all excited and happy because shes been looking at apartments and thinks she found a perfect one.
(Neighborhood, for you people keeping track, is Crown Heights.)
Noah is looking more and more crestfallen, and he realizes hes going to have to burst this bubble.
They cant live together.
He tells her this is only temporary and she can stay in Cold Spring for the time being.
Alison, understandably, looks less than thrilled, and I cant really blame her.
She suggests giving Helen what she wants, a.k.a.
Noahs horrified by the suggestion but is interrupted by a call from Helen.
Her drunken antics need attending to.
If possible, things are even more messed up than in Helens mind.
God, Maura Tierney is a national treasure.
She asks why he gets to screw up but she doesnt.
On that note, she passes out.
Noah takes the kids home and sees the remnants of Helens drunken revelry.
He also sees the flowers from Max on the table.
(Interestingly, he sees red roses.
I chalk this up to dudes not knowing the difference.)
Look, its Noahs secret middle class family!
His brother-in-law seems super nice and warns that Noahs dad is visiting.
Sister Nina turns out to be (drumroll) Jennifer Esposito, straight fromMistresses!
Noah tells his dad that Martin makes him nervous.
His father responds with an excellent noncommittal mmmm.
Ugh, this is a sad story already, and Noah doesnt want to hear it either.
Noahs dad explains he said no because he loved his wife.
Martin comes back and is all, Youre blocking the screen.
Noah next goes to his sister in the kitchen, looking for comfort.
She offers him whiskey.
Noah starts to tell her about the pot and drinking-and-driving, and Nina is shocked.
Noah is all, This is great news for the custody battle!
He could go for full custody.
Here is why I love siblings: Nina is like, Uh, dude think that through.
Helen is a snob, but you cant take her children away from her after allthis.
She basically tells him to think about this and to be very honest with himself.
Noah gets mad (of course) and stomps right off.
Of course, Martin is pissed to leave because there are two innings left (Lets go Mets!
), and Trevor is having a great time on the trampoline.
After, theyre driving, and no one seems to know where to go.
The Hamptons, this is not.
Martin is in a bad way, holding his stomach and lying by the toilet on the floor.
Anyway, that crisis passes, and everyone is asleep in this terrible hotel room.
He calls Alison and tells her he misses her, and shes all, Guess what?
Thats love: driving to a Comfort Castle with a six pack.
I say this sincerely.
They sit outside and drink the beers and seem pretty dang happy to be with each other.
Whats going to happen to us, asks Alison.
He makes a pretty convincing speech.
But the prosecutor is all, Relax, the book isnt that popular.
See you all next week!
