Ever notice that in everyone’s memory, Whitney is a terror?
Were back to a classic Noah-and-Alison split of an episode.
And speaking of classic moves, we open with Noah and Alison having a little couch sex.
Credit: Mark Schafer/Showtime
But hmm: Seems like Alison isnt maybe as into it as shes pretending to be?
The first post-sex words are delivered by Noah: Youre a real sphinx, you know that?
Oh, Noah, you old post-coital sweet talker!
Hey, I know: If your son drowned, maybe you are less excited about swimming than others?
Noah is a swimmer, so he swims.
Heres what I dont understand: Noah is having underwater visions of a car running someone down.
Ugh, time and space, you monsters.
What would Alison be doing while Noah writes?
Being a muse, of course.
Noah tells Alison that she can trust him with anything.
Tell him just one secret!
She says she hates beets.
She wiggles out of serious talk by reminding him they are late for dinner at the big house.
He asks her what shed say if he asked her to marry him.
She jokingly responds it would depend on the ring.
Noah smiles and shocks the living hell out of Alison when he actually has a ring.
Shes overwhelmed but doesnt take long before answering yes, she wants to marry him.
They celebrate with Robert and Yvonne.
Yvonne wants the whole story: how they met, the details, etc.
Noah looks at her as he realizes just how well his new fiancee can lie.
Noah hastily tells the powerful publishing lady that of course hed make an exception for her.
He and Yvonne retire to her study, and she tells him about the other authors theyve hosted.
They chat about Harry and how he and Noah dont agree about the ending.
Yvonne offers to look at the book and give him her opinion.
Theyre interrupted by Alison who tries to get Noah out into the hallway quietly because yay!
Whitney has arrived to stir up trouble.
Whitney, oh Whitney, you really are my favorite teen on TV.
She comes blasting in You live in a freakin mansion?!?!
And if you think that is bad, wait till she gets a load of Alisons ring!
I knew you were lame, dad.
But I didnt think you werestupid.
Alison is all like, Ill be outside.
Noah joins her after calming Whitney down.
Alison now thinks theyre making a mistake.
He guesses that something happened.
(Oh man, I had blocked that grossness right out of my brain.)
Noah is in no position to judge since wasnt he banging half of New York at that time?
Anyway, he takes that gross news pretty well.
She also tells him about that time she walked into the ocean looking to drown.
He tells her that she can tell him anything and he wont give up on her.
So she tells him that Cole came to visit the week before and that she lied about it.
She tries to give the ring back.
She wants to give him a chance to get out.
He begs her not to mess around.
And we cut to the train station where Noah is with Whitney.
She even tries to tell her dad that its affecting her schoolwork.
Never change, Whitney!
In the city Noah meets up with Max.
Apparently they havent seen each other in forever, and Max has gotten richer and is seeing someone.
Um, we know who!
But he doesnt tell Noah that its Helen.
Poor doomed Max is really happy.
Noah shows up to the mediators office where no one is acting like.
Instead, he gets served divorce papers.
(Note: Helens lawyer for this divorce, is one Jon Gottlief, a.k.a.
our man Richard Schiff/Toby Ziegler in the future criminal trial.)
(Well, we all like to think this of ourselves, right?
But, hey, what if shes already pregnant?)
Yvonne starts pushing for a wedding on the property, and she and Robert bicker back and forth affectionately.
No rush, says Yvonne, before adding the obligatory, Unless youre pregnant!
Alison hastily denies this.
(Robert is horrified.)
Noah is all, I already have four kids!
I think Im done.
Well that, of course, is news to Alison.
I love Robert, I think.
Book people, so snooty!
Pete is part wolf and sounds rad and has run off.
Yvonne thinks hes dangerous he snapped at their grandchild once, but Robert thinks hes just misunderstood.
He wasnt meant to be caged up or put on a leash.
(Hmmm…a metaphor for Alison?)
He puts scraps out for Pete so that he doesnt get hungry.
And thats when Whitney shows up dressed differently in this memory and somehow even more scary and angry.
Shes a stupid fing waitress, and so on.
Shes just going full on teenage nuts, and Alison opens the box and pulls out a stone.
The deck conversation between Noah and Alison is quite different, too.
(Also, Whitney Ubered from the city, which of course she did!)
She asks him what is the worst thing hes ever done.
This, he says, which, yeouch!
Alison says shes done a lot of things.
We know, like Oscar!
In Alisons recollection, thats as far as this conversation goes.
She sleeps on the couch and wakes up to a whole new personality of Whitney.
A chipper one, making breakfast.
Whitney responds with a terrifying grin.
She, like, loooves him, and she manipulates Alison masterfully.
Apparently a dog that looked like Pete murdered all their chickens.
They argue about the dog catcher if he finds Pete hell put him down.
They pull Alison into it, and finally Robert is all, Ill go kill my own dog.
They walk through some pretty woods and have some real talk.
She tells Robert she doesnt need to get married again and explains that she was married once before.
Then she gets even more honest and tells him the story of Gabriel.
Robert is wonderfully sympathetic.
Thats the worst thing in the world, kid.
It turns out the stone shes been carrying was Gabriels.
And Noah doesnt quite understand.
Robert counsels that sometimes we dont need to have our person understand absolutely everything about us.
Its okay to be baffled sometimes by the person you love.
This seems like sound advice.
It gets more depressing…about how lonely life is.
But the bottom line is that marriage can help you feel less lonely.
It was around now that I decided if I saw a dog murder, Id be quitting this show.
But Robert shoots into the distance, and Pete scrambles off, more chickens in his horizons.
Its quiet and peaceful, and she floats on her back and looks at the sky.
Noah comes home and sees her in there, and shes no longer a sphinx but a siren.
Does he see them there?
Its time to tell him what really happened!
Noah tells him that he didnt kill Scott Lockhart.
Toby is all, uh-huh, tell me another one.
So it turns out this all happened the night of Coles wedding!
Thats right, Coles wedding!
Noah says he went to look for her and hit a deer.
Me and Toby have the same reaction: Was Scott Lockhart riding the deer at the time?
Were reminded that the mechanic sold Noah out, but why on earth was he bribing a mechanic?
This is not a great defense.
Alison gives him an inscrutable look.
The lawyer is all, Well, time to find out who did.
