Some clever editing briefly throws the outcome into doubt, but in the end justicealong with good game playprevails.
Its a rhetorical question, of course.
And a somewhat crude one as well.
Credit: CBS
Is that seriously about to happen?
There was no way, right?
Okay, we knew she would get Jons vote.
But what the hell is Reed doing voting for her?!?
Reed knows this game.
Hes a huge fan.
He too tried to make big moves.
When they showed that vote from Reed I almost spit my Milwaukees Best halfway across the room.
They are more clueless than Alicia Silverstone, so who knows how theyll vote?
For all we know they may vote for freakin John Rocker to win!
But if they dont, they just as easily could vote for Jaclyn.NOW WERE AT 6 VOTES!
HOLY TYLER PERRY IDOL, JACLYN IS GOING TO WIN!!!
This seasons one saving grace of a Natalie victory is about to be ripped away from us!
But it was all a ruse, as I hoped it would be.
I am kind of guessing Reed just voted for Jaclyn to give her second place money over Missy.
(Vytas did the same thing for Monica in the lastBlood vs.
In any event, Natalie indeed did take her rightful place as winner.
And that Reed vote truly did throw me.
It was Natalie, all the way.
Thats the pop in of game that should be rewarded.
And, thankfully, it was.
Had it not beentotal disaster.
As in Amber Brkich/Natalie White disaster.
Okay, looks like everybodys here.
I think we can begin.
Anyhoo, Id like to thank The Evil Queen for bringing tonights pastries.
They truly are the fairest pastries in all the land.
No doubt about that!
Hey, watch out for those apples though, am I right?
Just a little scullery maid humor for you there.
Okay, lets see, I believe this week it is Lady Tremaines turn to kick things off.
Yes, well, its about time!
As she mentioned, my name is Lady Tremaine.
And I am a Wicked Stepmother.
Hi, Lady Tremaine.
Although really, ladies, whats so wicked about locking your stepdaughter up in the attic?
After all, that little hussy was off dancing with strange men and hanging out with talking mice.
Of all the nerve!
Anyway,Anastasia and Drizella thought it was perfectly acceptable.
I mean, its not like I poisoned anyone.
[Shoots glance over at Evil Queen].
Thank you, Lady Tremaine.
Okay, looks like Queen Narissa is next.
Queen Narissas the name.
And Im sorry, but I dont buy this Wicked Stepmother crap.
Fine, point granted.
Then he never would have met and fallen in love with his true soul mate, Adele Dazeem?
And Giselle never would have shacked up with the pizza delivery guy from Loverboy either.
Now theyre all happy, and why?
[Drops mic on floor]
Um, thank you Narissa.
Well, ladies we have a new member joining us today.
Her name is Missy.
She comes straight from Nicaragua, and shed like to say a few words.
[Hobbles up to podium with makeshift crutches] Yeah, hi.
So, like the lady said, Im Missy.
Er…not for nothing but I did notice there are not a lot of men around.
That would be great.
you’re able to just hand it all over to me and Ill take care of it.
Rationing is my strong suit.
Anyway, where were we?
Its time to take it from the top of the episode.
Here is it, our lastSurvivorrecap of the season.
I dont need no stinkin crutches.
Lets do this thing!
I would wax more poetic about the intricacies of the space-time continuum, but look!
Natalie and Jaclyn are yelling at each other.
Well, Jaclyn is doing all the yelling because Natalie said that Jon was not loyal to a fault.
But we have about 3,712 challenges and Tribal Councils to get to, so lets get a move on.
So giving the advantage on the next-to-last challenge as opposed to the last one is an improvement.
The other thing I want in an advantage is an advantage that does not simply give someone the challenge.
(Cochran then wonanotheradvantage for the final immunity and yes, won that one, too.)
He can go drown his sorrows at Eddies dog bar.)
Philosophically, I have gotten to the place where I look at these reward/advantage/immunity combo platters as two-part contests.
Essentially, the reward portion is just the first phase of the immunity challenge.
You win it, you earn some help in the second part.
And Im not completely opposed to that.
But when that help makes the entire second challenge obsolete, then yes, I have a problem.
And unfortunately, thats exactly what happens.
Just listen to Keith.
This is a big advantagebelieve me, he says.
I do believe you, Keith!
Although Natalie did somewhat save us by pointing out after that youre good with balls, Keith.)
So that leaves Jaclyn.
Jons girlfriend promises Natalie that she wont vote her out next if the Twinnie keeps her around.
So what do you do if youre Natalie?
If Im Natalie, I stay put.
The jurys dislike for Missy/Baylor makes that an easy win.
Why mess with that?
Jaclyn, did you vote for who I told you to vote for?
When Jaclyn nods yes, Natalie plays it for her.
But as a viewer, who cares?
Its yet another example of Natalie breathing life into this moribund season.
Im going home, says Missy.
First person to get the numbers and raise the flag wins.
Its a big and epic challenge to be sureimpressive in size, scale, and scope.
However, I cant help but miss the gold old-fashioned endurance challenge at the end.
What those final challenges lacked in spectacle, they made up for in suspense.
But hey, maybe thats just me.
(Missy doesnt even bother competing.)
Yet who gets the puzzle done first?
Hey, gotta give credit where credit is due.
She was out of it.
She didnt give up.
And it paid off with her first (and last, I guess) individual win of the season.
But I cant concentrate on her victory because I am too obsessed with the hilarious reactions from the losers.
The only person not bothering to fake it until they make it is Keith.
Presumably hes too busy spitting somewhere.
But something is terribly amiss: Whats this?
An actual woman in the jury?
Equal rights, finally!
Start burning those bras, ladies!
The last bastion of all-maledom has finally been breached!
It doesnt really work as Natalie and Keith just sort of lamely compliment each other.
Hard to say, Jeff.
But she keeps on going about how she kicked ass in challenges and made risky decisions.
Here she is spooling out her entire final Tribal plea.Only its not the final Tribal!!
It was three women, Keith says of his last day on the island.
I can barely handle one woman at the house much less three of em here.
Well, you certainly dont have to worry about that on the jury, buddy.
At this point a Natalie win seems inevitable, but you never know.
It looks like Tommy Bahama just ate a blue palm tree and regurgitated it all over Keiths chest.
Too bad that jury shirt is 10 times bolder than anything Keith actually did in the game.
So we begin with opening statements.
You know,Survivoris awesome in about 512 different ways, but its not about life and death.
Apparently Alec is confused by the whole murder trial thing as well because his mouth is wide open again.
Either that or he is one of those dudes who sleeps with his eyes open.
That would be the fact that the big point she keeps hammering home is her trustworthiness.
My deal was loyalty, she says.
And she later finishes by proclaiming that she played with integrity, dignity, and mainly loyalty.
Thats fine by me.
But then dont go into final Tribal making loyalty your calling card.
Thats just terrible game management.
But what else is she going to say?
I dont blame her.
If you have nothing else, go for the sympathy votes.
People shouldnt be lame enough to let something like that impact their votesbut its worth a shot.
NATALIE
I really like Natalies opening remarks a lot.
Instead of apologizing for backstabbing people, she is owning it.
Sorry, but that is a damn good opening statement.
Lets also jam through these one-by-one, starting with Captain America.
And a warning in advance, the majority of the questions/statements are tremendously lame.
His bias and intentions are painfully clear, but what did you expect that guy to do?
However, from a viewers perspective, its just kind of a waste.
KEITH
Nat, how does it feel that the last words you ever spoke to me was a lie?
How does that make you feel?
Oh, Keith, get over yourself.
You lied about Jeremy having an idol that you had yourself.
And who cares that the last words she spoke to you were a lie?
In case you hadnt noticed…
ITSSURVIVOR!!!!
Clearly this guy is suffering from an extreme case of BJS (Bitter Jury Syndrome).
In fact, it was the exact opposite.
She wanted to keep Keith because he was more able to beat Jon at challenges.
Wow, these questions really do kind of suck so far.
BAYLOR
Another waste of air time.
But again, what she is saying has nothing to do with the outcome of the game.
I guess I was supposed to be moved by thisand maybe I am just a terrible personbut I wasnt .
Thats the best you got!
Natalie didnt evenplaywith her loved one!
Wes, you are infuriating on so many levels right now.
If onlySurvivor: All-Starshad someone like that.
(Side note: Alecs mouth is wide open again.)
But the producers always save the fireworks for the end of the show.
I mean, whywouldntyou prepare?
You always made sure they felt inferior.
You always kept them in their place.
NEXT: We have a winner!
All of a sudden, up is down!
Cats and dog living together!
Natalie takes the million dollars, which is a very satisfying conclusion to an otherwise unsatisfying Tribal Council.
Thats definitely worth something in my book.
Probst rocking the suede jacket.
The live look-ins were a bit of a mixed bag.
In theory, I like getting them.
I honestly dont think Ive ever eaten that much in a single day in my life!
That plate of spaghetti alone would kill me.
Getting a glimpse into that was fun.
I get what Probst is doing with this, though.
(By the way, did Olivia Feldman finish her half a cup of rice yet?)
On the flip side, Keiths wedding photo?
How crazy would that have been?
We need a strong season afterSan Juan del Sur, and Probst seems to think this could be one.
Check out theintel he gave me about season 30 right here.
No oversized novelty check?
And were gonna keep on playing!
And I have one other special tidbit Im holding on to and will get out there on Friday.
Of course, for year-roundSurvivorscoop, just follow me on Twitter@DaltonRoss.
Okay, 6,000 words later and its finally your turn.
Thanks again, all.
Ill be back in February with your first 2015 scoop of the crispy!
