Gen Xers are slow!
Oh my God, I amsooooooold.
I never realized just how old I was until I watched episode 3 ofSurvivorsMillennials vs. Gen Xseason.
Credit: Monty Brinton/CBS
How do I know how old I am?
But now, thanks toSurvivor, I know I am old as dirt.
How do I know?
Because I pop in the word you instead of u. I believe that because I am a writer and writers should believe such things.
You know what else I believe?
I believe that vinylisthe only way to listen to music.
So take that, Probst, and your fancy iPhone gizmo!
Because thats what old people do!
And I am an old person!
And less proficient at fishing.
And less irrationally angry at Barbie dolls.
But other than that, totally the same guy.
Does it make me super old that I have found myself rooting for Ken these past two weeks?
I thought I would despise that guy.
Then, the first thing we heard from him all season seemed to be bragging about living in Maui.
But turns out that was just Ken trying to use his experience to help the tribe.
Because thats the Gen X way!
Do your work, keep your head down, and dont expect any special treatment.
Sorry, just practicing my grizzled, bitter old guy banter.
Now lets crank up the vintage Victrola and recap the latest episode ofSurvivor!
Still, Figgy has no problem displaying ultimate confidence.
Meanwhile, the following conversation is happening just down the beach.
HANNAH: Zeke, can I talk to you for a second?
ZEKE: Id rather not right now, thanks.
HANNAH: just dont hate me!
ZEKE: I dont hate you, Hannah.
But can we talk later, c’mon.
I just need a moment to myself.
HANNAH: Sure.Toooooootallyget that.
But can I just explain one thing real quick?
Thanks so much for understanding.
So what I would like to do is…
ZEKE: Im gonna cut you off right there.
Im starting to get the sense that you are talking and not listening.
Im sure you understand.
HANNAH: Oh, yes.
I hear where you are coming from.
Like, crystal meth clear, thats how clear it is.
Ive actually prepared a PowerPoint presentation Id love for you take a look at if you dont mind.
GO BEGIN PLEDGE WEEK OR RUSH WEEK OR WHATEVER IT IS CALLED TO GAIN ADMISSION TO KAPPA KAPPA SURVIVOR!
So Zeke and Adam finally finally!
are left alone to have their two-man pity party.
But Adam has not lost his confidence.
I wouldnt count me out, he says.
I think I can get back to the top again.
Oooooooh… foreshadowing, anyone?
What, were there also baby carrots, and Danimals hidden in that basket, too?
And, by the way, I just described an actual lunch I eat on a regular basis.
Yes, I eat like a five-year-old.
And no, I do not make my mommy cut the crusts off my sandwich.)
You may have watched this meeting of the mindless and said to yourself, Whats the point?
There was no twist, no hidden idol clue, no tribe shake-up.
And they may have gotten it courtesy of this seasons resident Nervous Nellie.
Certainly nothing wrong with that.
Just laying the groundwork for if and when the two end up on the same beach.
But then David keeps talking.
I will kick someone off my tribe if you want me to.
I swear to God.
Why would you say that?
Pump the breaks, David.
Sometimes less is more.
So the Gen Xers return back to their own beach and… Is she supposed to be there?
Is that a production assistant who mistakenly walked into frame and they forgot to edit out?
Did the Fijian cyclone pick this mystery lady up from some other island and drop her off here?
Or am I merely seeing things after too many years of Milwaukees Best consumption?
WHERE DID THIS WOMAN COME FROM?!?!
Elsewhere at the Gen X beach, Ken is starting to make his mark.
He has totally shown Paul up in the fishing department, coming back with another catch of the day.
But the mild-mannered hottie cringes when the ladies start referring to him as Ken Doll.
Why does he object?
Im honestly not sure what to make of that.
Is Ken telling us people were mocking the size of his genitalia?
Or is he suggesting thereshouldbe a Barbie doll with a penis?
All of the above?
In any event, he doesnt like it.
Figgy sucks atSurvivor, notes Adam.
I still dont like Figgy, explains Michaela.
But Im not making any decisions right now.
(Oooooh, more potential foreshadowing!)
So like good littleSurvivorcontestants they do what they are told and indeed come on in.
Check out the Millennials being Millennials and thinking outside the box!
While all that is happening, CeCe is taking FOREVER on her beam.
Not even that pimply teenager was as slow as CeCe.
CeCe is so slow she makes the tortoise look like the hare.
Shes so slow they measure her 100-yard dash time with a calendar.
Shes so slow she came in third place in a two person race.
Shes so slow, she… oh, never mind.
All you gotta know is that the Gen Xers basically lose because of it.
Okay, so thats not exactly what happens.
Instead, Jay asks if they can get fishing gear instead of the comfort items.
He loves when players have a go at wheel and deal.
The Gen Xers either dont hear this offer or choose to ignore it.
NEXT:Survivors not-so-subtle clues revealed!
RED HERRING ALERT!Survivorhas to be very careful here.
It makes that person look silly and makes the vote that follows it appear that much more shocking.
Its a money quote!
The problem is thatSurvivordoes this all the time.
In fact, they did it just last week in the exact same fashion!
How exactly did that work out for them?
Now lets fast forward to this week.
And how did that work out forthem?
The problem is the show used theexactsame structure and hit theexactsame beats with then theexactsame result two weeks ago.
Like I said, I dont necessarily fault the show.
When you seem to have a forgone conclusion, and then everything changes, you want to show it.
The problem is,Survivorviewers are savvy.
Thats what happens when theyve watched over 400 episodes of their favorite program.
Like I said, producers and editors have to be careful here.
(And if this leads to Figgy tears, that would be a bonus.)
We know, of course, what happened this week.
Wow, what a terrible answer.
Evidently, Paul is as bad at lying as he is at fishing.
First off, why in the world would someone go up to someone else and say Hey, Jessica.
Just letting you know.
May the best alliance win!
Nobody would do that.
And nobody would be dumb enough to believe someone would do that.
But heres why Pauls answer is even worse, if you could believe that.
No, the right answer is to say Male alliance?
If Im being honest, I trust you all more than I do them.
Now, of course, that isnotbeing honest, but who cares?
The point is, that is how you calm nerves and deflect unwanted attention.
Ive given Paul a bit of grief.
And I dig the fact that he has never texted.
Thats a great attitude, even if he didnt necessarily play a great game.
Speaking of great, we have some goodies for you.
Likemy weekly Q&A with the Hostmatser General himself, Jeff Probst.
And the exclusive deleted scene below.
Plus, verify to follow me on Twitter@DaltonRossfor all the latest updates.
So enjoy all of that, and Ill be back next week with another scoop of the crispy!
