It’s Brains vs. Brawn vs. Beautytake 2!
Welcome, everyone, toSurvivor: Wrath of Khanedition!
(Just ask my man Chekov how that went for him.
Credit: Robert Voets/CBS
By the way, how jacked was Montalban in that film?
Six-pack city, baby!)
And ramble on we shall in what will prove to be the most dangerous season ofSurvivorrecapping EVER!
(Im just hoping I dont get medevaced for keyboard-induced Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.)
But who can blame me for being concerned?
After all, heres Jeff Probst proclaiming that, This will be the most grueling 39 days inSurvivorhistory.
And from everything I have heard and seen and felt from my time out in Cambodia hes not exaggerating.
(I warned you this might get super boring.)
When I went out there in May forSecond Chance, it was hot.
Like, really hot.
But all the crew talked about was how much worse it had beenbeforewe got out there.
So I dont think this is hyperbole on Probsts part, especially after what we saw in the premiere.
But were getting ahead of ourselves, which, granted, is something I am known for.
Okay, lets get to it and recap this son of a bitch!
We start out on a big blue boat whileInception-like foghorns blare out at intervals.
Here we go, one of my favorite parts of everySurvivorseason random to-the-camera boasting!
Take your pick for most shameless boast:
A.
Puzzles lay down for me like lovers.
Debbie
C. I do give a shot to use my looks to my advantage in poker.
Anna
D. My life has definitely been easier because I am better looking than most people.
Nick
Ooooh, tough call here.
Nothing wrong with that.
Like, hes not ugly.
Everyone knows I am obsessed with Probsts orangeSurvivorhat.
It is clearly the most awesome of allSurvivorhats.
I seriously dont know why he even bothers with any of those other lame colors.
Orange all the way!
While Probst is modeling the height ofSurvivorfashion, the contestants are scrambling to get supplies off a boat.
This is the second straight season theyve done this for the opening and do you know why that is?
You have Tai protecting another chicken because I love all living creatures.
And you have women being hit on the head by falling coconuts.
NEXT: Meet the Brawn tribe!
Okay, so its off to the tribe beaches.
Instead of constantly jumping back and forth between camps, lets just take them each one at a time.
Some (Kyle the bounty hunter, Cydney the bodybuilder, Scot the former NBA player) clearly belong.
Its not Alecias fault.
It doesnt always make sense.
Max was definitely more of a No Collar guy while Nina was more of a White Collar gal.
And when Darnell goes to take a poop right in front of everyone…Wait, WHAT?!?
Darnell is taking a poop right in front of everyone?!
And right now my gut tells me, go use the bathroom.
Honestly, Im still flummoxed.
And it was such a non-sequitur as well, coming right off talking strategy with Cydney about alliances.
When Darnell first started saying, This gut dont lie to me.
And right now my gut tells me, …
I assumed it would be followed by something like …get the women out first.
Or …I can trust Cydney.
Not something about defecating in plain view of everyone!
It should be noted that the aqua dump is indeed a proudSurvivortradition.
Contestants are even instructed to do so.
But not right by the beach and in plain sight of everyone!
Go around the bend, for crissakes!
And your doubt may have increased as it lasted all through the night and into the next day.
Just grab the sucker!
Either that or they were trying to stage their own low-budget reenactment of the aforementionedWrath of Khan.
Otherwise, I dont know what the hell they were doing.
But before we can get to that we need to check in with the other two tribes.
NEXT: Meet the Brains tribe!
BRAINS TRIBE
Ah, what interesting professions we have on the Brains tribe.
And then there is Debbie.
What does Debbie, do?
(And yo dont respond with Dallas.)
Well, whatdoesntDebbie do?
SAY WHAT?!?
First off, quite a year for Red Lobster between Beyonces Formation and now this.
But Debbie knows how to do everything!
And that is according to none other than Debbie, so she must be right!
Pay no attention to the fact that the Brains tribe has no fire.
Debbie says she knows how to make it, so just trust her, people!
(Geriatric Tinge also happens to be the name of my midlife crisis bar band.
No cover on Wednesday nights and we playallthe old hits.)
But it is neither Joe nor Debbie who is having trouble out in the elements, but rather Aubry.
BEAUTY TRIBE
Nick loves being beautiful!
And he loves how beautiful everything in the world is!
Beauty is more than skip deep, its world deep!
Why am I here?
Im bald, big head, big ears, and skinny little body.
FormerBig Brotherstalker Caleb is similarly confused.
Why in the world is Tai on this tribe?
50- or 60-year-old Asian guy whose got eyebrows four inches long.
Dudes got Mr. Miyagi glasses.
Like, I dont understand.
Now that is COMPLETELY off-base, Caleb!
Cmon, man, I expected more from you.
After all, everyone knows Mr. Miyagi never wore glasses.
Get your facts straight!
But then Tai makes a fatal flaw and pulls a Fishbach.
Now, to pull a Fishbach could mean many things.
This was dumb for many reasons.
Search for it while coming back from a confessional interview.
Tell them it’s crucial that you go to the bathroom or want to collect more firewood.
Dont just randomly disappear.
Idols are rarely buried.
Rarely is any digging involved, and if it is, it does not include moving planted trees.
It would be a shame to lose him early, but this move may put him on the outs.
Lets move on to the first challenge of the season and see whos ready to step up.
Speaking of stepping up, theres my man Jeffrey Probst once again rocking his orange hat.
As for the challenge itself, the players must swim to a boat.
I love this challenge for multiple reasons.
I love that it has so many different stages.
I love that there is actually diving involved because that always leads to someone screwing up.
And that person in this instance is Darnell, who volunteers to dive down for the paddles.
Just one problem, as Darnell loses the mask upon diving in the water.
What an absolutely terrible way to begin (and end) yourSurvivorchallenge career.
I guess it could have been worse.
His gut could have told him to poop inside the mask.
Aubry steps up in ahugeway, getting all four paddles for the Brains tribe.
Thats called changing the narrative, people!
All three teams go for the puzzle (BOO!).
And it costs them, as Brains and Beauty take the top two spots.
Back at the Brawn beach, both Alecia and Darnell apologize.
Plus, Cydney wants Alecia out because she wants to protect her dub-alliance with Darnell.
So off to Tribal Council we go to see how it all plays out.
While Kyle asks Jennifer at one point Are we doing the right one?
Sorry, voyeurs, no more aqua dump sightings for you!
So there we have it: our first installment ofSurvivor: Kaoh Rong!
Pretty solid, Id say, right?
But who is my episode 1 pick to win it all?
I HAVE NO IDEA!
But I have nobody else to pick at this point so I may as well go with her.
I just picked you to win, thereby ensuring you will not.
Thats bad news for her, but heres the good news for you: Were only getting started.
What did you think of the premiere?
Whom are you loving and loathing so far?
And who is your pick to win it all?
