Let’s hit it!
Is that an idol in your pants or are you just happy to see me?
Wait, there is no idol in your pants?
Credit: Robert Voets/CBS
And yourenothappy to see me?
Well, take your pants off anyway just to prove it.
That work for you?
Then lets do this!
And welcome back toSurvivor, everyone!
I dont know how you all survived the last four months without it.
For me personally, it was a bit of a rough go.
I just sort of stumbled around in fog for a while, free of purpose or meaning.
At least if your name is Ashley.)
But its so great to have the show back!
And its so great tobeback.
Ive been writing aboutSurvivorsince season 1 and recapping it since season 4, so why stop now?
(Wait, was Isupposedto stop?
On second thought, like do not answer that.
Its best not to dwell on such things.)
So lets get to it…after a few quick reminders and programming notes, of course.
And well still have our weekly Q&As with Probst.
Its a fun walk down memory lane.
Definitely a must-read and another nice stroll down memory lane.
There he is, looking resplendent in his #OrangeHatAlert.
Its wonderful to see the host so fully embrace the mightiest ofSurvivorchapeaus.
But now it seems like he cant take the damn thing off!
There have been some assorted chuckles, chortles, and guffaws about the theme of this season.
Regular readers (Anyone?
probably can guess my feelings on the matter.
I dont really care.
Ive always considered these affixed labels nothing more than marketing monikers.
The goofiest title could lead to the best season and vice versa.
Should we call itSurvivor: Triple H?
Or justSurvivor: Season 35?
Im open to anything!
Oh, the tribes!
At least it should be.
By my count it has been 312 seasons in a row now theyve started a season this way.
But I dont care.
I love openings like this.
It gets at the heart of the adventure element of the show.
Watching fully clothed people scramble and then literally dive into the adventure gets me every time.
So I understand the want and need for variety, but Im always happy seeing this old standby.
Plus, its not just the contestants jumping off the boat.
Check out Probst hopping on a Zodiac and announcing, Lets hit it!
Such a boss move.
I seriously am going to use that every time I step into an Uber from now on.
It might result in lower ratings from confused drivers, but I feel its worth the tradeoff.
Speaking of Probst, remember when I talked about being mocked by him on national television?
That brings us to the Hustlers tribe, who cant figure out how to paddle.
The Hustlers tribe pointing the wrong way!
Theyre heading to another beach!
Then, later, The Hustlers still trying to figure out what show theyre on!
I long ago made peace with the joy I take out of watching others struggle with seemingly simple tasks.
After all, it comes from the misery-loves-company department.
Or maybe its more of a better-them-than-me sort of thing.
The point is, its funny and I like it.
Now, lets go to the beaches to see whats happening there.Lets hit it!
HEALERSOkay, a massive fire kit is one thing, but nobody said anything about a freakin bonfire!
What is this, Burning Man?
Anyway, thats whats awaiting the Healers as they arrive.
You know what else is on fire?
At least, thats according to the emojis in Jessicas mind.
I thought the Healers would be all about the soul and spirituality and wellness and character.
He may be right.
Sex Doctor tells us that his 10-year-old son told him to look for an idol.
But not necessarilygoodadvice either.
Joe is on to Mike, though.
Apparently, the probation officer has officially put the Sex Doctor on probation.
Next up: the dreadedDouble Secret Probation.
(If only Joe could get Mikes secret to enhanced sexual performance!
If only we all could!)
HEROESBonnie Tyler once opined that she was holding out for a hero.
You may feel the same after watching the Heroes first few days on the island.
If you thought this would be the tribe of order and stability and honor, you thought wrong.
Mostly that is thanks to Alan.
The power couple in question is Ashley and JP.
Being concerned about a showmance or power duo makes all the sense in the world.
What Alan does next does not.
Alan makes like a Black Sabbath song, getting super paranoid and coming onwaaaaaytoo strong.
JP promises Alan he does not have an idol.
So then JP pulls out his pockets.
So then Alan accuses JP of hiding dice as well!
Okay, not really, but it pretty much gets to that level.
The weird thing is how compliant JP is.
We could be heroes, just for one day, sang David Bowie.
Today is not that day.
(Recap continues on next page)
HUSTLERSThe Hustlers are hustling!
In more ways than one.
First off you have Lauren leading the team in some good ol-fashioned back-breaking labor.
Speaking of Ali, theres hustling happening in a strategic sense as well.
and really, who can blame her?
Patricks not the only one with something stuffed in his pants.
(SIDE NOTE: Why couldnt Alan be onthistribe with all these foreign objects stuffed down peoples pants?)
Hmmm…thoughts,SurvivorNation?
I suppose I generally like it.
Ive gone on record as liking advantages.
But Ive also gone on record as saying that I like advantages and idols to be limited.
Plus, the more advantages you introduce, the more random luck you introduce.
Im okay with that happening once a season, but not three times, like withGame Changers.
It devalues strategy and good game play to have that many get-out-of-jail-free cards floating around.
Those are nice wrinkles that could pay dramatic dividends later.
Ryan decides he wants to tell surf instructor Devon about the advantage.
(BTW, is there a less Hustler-jot down job description than surf instructor?)
I certainly hope so!
Thats because she likes good things and people who like good things likeSurvivor.
About a year ago, Violet came to me with a challenge idea.
And there is no guarantee that what you pick is actually the best option.
They wrote back saying they liked it and were putting it in the idea bin.
(Also, speaking of horror movies, the Medallion of Power came out of theSurvivoridea bin.
Do I really want my daughters idea in that same contaminated bin?)
So that was that.
He told me they were actually planning to do it!
And then theydiddo it!
They selected option No.
3, the traditionalSurvivortable maze with the most portions to get through.
So either I would have been very stupid, they were just very bad at it, or both.
Someone going up to the brink, and then past it.
Someone putting their physical well-being at risk for the good of the team.
Opportunity missed, Chrissy.
Alan is still stirring things up, approaching the Mom Squad.
He gives the impression of forming a new foursome to take out Ashley and JP.
Or maybe he just wants them to take their clothes off to check for idols.
Im not really sure.
The best part about this is that Chrissy actuallydoeshave an idol.
She just doesnt know it yet.
And the vote plays out…weirdly.
Thats because Chrissy was one of the people voting her out.
Heres my beef with what went down.
We, as viewers, are at the mercy of what we see.
The editors and producers craft the narrative to show you what they want to be seen.
And I usually think they do a hell of a job of that on this show.
Think about it: Its a very fine line.
I dont want the producers to show us everything.
Id rather have the suspense of letting the votes themselves tell me.
But Idowant to have a sense of what all the possible options are.
And Chrissy siding with everyone else to vote out Katrina was never presented as an option.
But these were not normal circumstances.
Chrissy had the secret super idol.
That left me a bit cold.
(Recap continues on next page)
Does that make any sense?
Maybe not, but it wouldnt be the first time I havent made sense.
Remember that time I wrote an entireSurvivor: Nicaraguarecap in the voice of Jimmy T?
Thats probably for the best.
My losing streak has now reached an epic 19 seasons straight!!!
Basically, I am the Cleveland Browns ofSurvivorprognosticating.
So which person will I choose to jinx this season?
Is it just me, or is it really difficult to select a standout from this group?
I feel like we barely saw the Healers and Hustlers tribes.
I just havent seen enough of any of them to make any sort of astute selection.
We saw a lot more of the Heroes, but theyre kind of a mess.
And which also brings me back to Ryan.
Am I biased because he is a bellhop, and that is all sorts of awesome?
Am I further biased because we are both from New Jersey?
So Ryan, it is!
My apologies for jinxing you, my man.
Were pretty much done!
Just a few programming notes.
Finally, follow me on Twitter@DaltonRossto getSurvivorscoop delivered directly to your digital mailbox.
Before I depart, just a huge thanks to all of you for coming back for another season.
Okay, enough with the sappy stuff now itsyourturn.
Whos your episode 1 pick to win it all?
Whom are you loving and loathing so far?
And what did you think of the advantage and challenge twists?
Hit the message boards to weigh in and Ill be back next week with another scoop of the crispy!
