In his second memoir,It Gets Worse, YouTube starShane Dawsonexamines the idea that it gets better head-on.
Im here to tell you that it gets worse.
It really does, Dawson said in a statement.
Credit: Laura Cavanaugh/Getty Images
Your tolerance for bulls.
The essays are laced with both bracing honesty and Dawsons signature humor.
The smell that radiated off my twelve-year-old body caused my own mother to keep her distance from me.
Anyways, I knew that middle school was going to be a challenge for me.
Which, by the way, actually happened to me.
Except not only did someone pee on it, she perioded on it as well.
Im not sure if perioded is a word, but you get the point.
JERID: Dont wear black.
JERID: You already have the face of someone whos gonna shoot up the school.
Dont dress like one.
ME: Got it.
JERID: Also, dont use your pencil case.
No one uses pencil cases.
ME: Then what am I gonna hold my pencils in??
JERID: Your backpack.
ME: Then whats gonna protect them from the pee and period blood?
ME: My life is different than yours.
My SeaWorld shirt that had three dolphins swimming in a circle with the words Poetry in Motion on it.
It was actually kind of beautiful, poetic if you will.
My biggest fear was the boys locker room.
Which, by the way, I used to think about every day.
Thank God for child-safety locks.
Theyre not just for curious toddlers, theyre for sad, fat tweenagers with micro-dicks too.
ME: For what?
MOM: For growing into such a wonderful man.
ME: But Im only twelve.
MOM: Eh, you look thirty.
Maybe this wouldnt be so hard.
Maybe I would have a great yea
DOUCHE: Nice shirt, dumb ass!
Ok, he didnt like it, but maybe someone els
HOT GIRL: Poetry in Motion?!
I mean, I have to hand it to her.
It was kinda good.
As I walked to my first class I searched the halls, trying to find a familiar face.
Unfortunately I didnt see any other fatties or crazies, so it was just me surviving this day alone.
A few hours later the lunch bell rang, and I had no idea what to do.
Although my shirt wasnt helping that situation.
Id rather people think I was an overachiever than a friendless mammal activist.
So I took out my lunch and grabbed a notebook out of my backpack and started writing down nonsense.
As I was on my third page of pointless scribble I heard a voice from behind me.
It was a teacher, and her name tag read Mrs. Rose.
She was an older woman wearing a HIDEOUS cat sweater and an even more hideous wig.
She looked like a crazy person you would see on a sitcom.
MRS. ROSE: Thats a beautiful shirt.
Im burning this shirt.
MRS. ROSE: Whats your name?
MRS. ROSE: Thats the name of my ex-husband.
What was he like?
MRS. ROSE: He was a hero.
He was eaten by rats while hiding from the enemy in a hole for two months.
ME: Wow, he was in the army?
MRS. ROSE: Nope.
Suddenly I wasnt the saddest person in the hallway.
MRS. ROSE: Are you in need of some company?
Theres nothing creepier to me than a student who hangs out with the teachers.
ME: Im ok. Just working on my homework.
MRS. ROSE: That paper just has stick figures killing themselves on it.
I didnt even realize thats what I was scribbling.
MRS. ROSE: Come into my classroom.
There will be lots of friends for you to make.
I got up and went into her classroom, and to my surprise there were real live kids!
Although, Im guessing she had multiple personalities too.
That wig was definitely hiding some demons.
MRS. ROSE: Everyone, this is Shane.
Lets all say hi to Shane!
The kids shouted my name in what I can only describe as a clusterfuck of noise and screams.
I turned around and saw the sign next to the door, and it all made sense.
This was a special ed class, and she thought I belonged here.
I looked down at my suicide scribble for some ideas of how to fucking kill myself on the spot.
MRS. ROSE: Theres a table back by the reading corner with an empty seat.
Why dont you go on back there and meet some of the children?
Well, Andre does, but only when provoked.
He also tends to punch people in the genitals, but thats only when its cold out.
I walked to the back table, and what I saw surprised me.
There was a girl with long brown hair and beautiful blue eyes sitting reading a book.
And it was a high school book, not a Dr. Seuss book with lots of pictures.
My heart stopped and she put down the book and looked up at me.
I was waiting in anticipation to see what was going to come out of her mouth.
Were her words going to be slurred?
At this point I didnt care.
GIRL: Hi, my name is Cary.
My whole being went numb.
She had the most beautiful voice, and her smile made me feel instantly safe.
Something that I didnt feel too often as a kid.
This was my moment to woo her.
To let her know that I was her man and I was ready for the relationship to blossom.
ME: Im not retarded!
ME: I know.
I mean, this shirt is retarded, but Im not retarded.
And I know Im super fat, but Im not like retardedly fat, you know?
CARY: You should probably stop talking.
ME: Not that theres anything wrong with being retarded!
I have retarded people in my family!
I definitely have been told I have a retarded persons forehead.
CARY: Can I talk to you in the hallway real quick?
I could tell I had messed up.
I was in BIG TROUBLE .
and also had therapy again on Monday.
CARY: What the fuck is wrong with you??
ME: Do you want a list or .
CARY: Do you know how offensive the word retarded is?
ME: A lot?
CARY: Ya, a lot!
And you said it like thirteen times.
And what the hell do you mean by a retarded persons forehead?
I lifted my hair up.
Ya, I guess I can see that.
ME: Im sorry!
I was just nervous!
I really do know .
mentally challenged people, and I would never want to hurt their feelings.
I just couldnt shut up, and youre so .
CARY: If you say retarded, Im gonna pull an Andre and punch you in the tits.
ME: I thought he punched in the crotch?
CARY: Oh, maybe thats something he only does to me, then.
ME: I dont blame him.
Id punch you in the tits all day if I could.
She looked creeped out.
Probably should have just said retarded again.
ME: Im sorry.
Can we start over?
CARY: That happened?
ME: No, but it will.
Some people say that when they see me from the corner of their eye, I look like trash.
CARY: Wow, thats dark.
ME: Ya, my grandma gets kinda mean when she misses a pill.
One time she told me from far away I looked like the bus.
CARY: Ok, then.
Well, lets start over.
Hi, Im Cary.
ME: Hi, Im Shane.
CARY: Nice to meet you.
We had a moment.
Next step, she would be my girlfriend and I would love her forever.
ME: Can I ask you a question?
You seem really cool, and pretty, and normal.
Why are you hanging out with the special ed kids?
So I decided to join the Best Buddies program.
ME: Whats that?
She walked me back inside the classroom and explained the program, which was really amazing.
It was a club where students would come in during lunch and spend time with the special ed kids.
And it wasnt an educational thing.
They didnt read to them, or teach them math, they just hung out with them.
Treated them like peers.
Just chilled with each other and didnt act like anyone was different.
A statement I couldnt have related to more.
After hanging out with her for that lunch period, I decided that I wanted to join the club.
This was before Internet porn existed, so dont judge me.
The next day during lunch I walked into Mrs.
Roses class and spotted Cary sitting in the back reading her book.
MRS. ROSE: Shane!
Im so happy you decided to join Best Buddies!
Im gonna go hang out with Cary and her buddy!
MRS. ROSE: Um, Shane.
You dont need to hang out with Carys buddy!
You get your own buddy!
For some reason that thought hadnt crossed my mind.
I figured I would be hanging out with everyone.
Being in charge of one person terrified me.
The one time Id ever babysat, the kid ran into a glass door and got a concussion.
I wasnt made for this.
ME: Maybe I could just be like .
MRS. ROSE: That sounds exactly like something my ex-husband used to say.
And do I need to remind you what happened to him?
ME: Wheres my buddy?!
She turned around and grabbed a student from a desk.
As the student stood up I noticed the name tag on his desk.
It looked like a toddler hiding behind window curtains.
I started to panic.
I was not cut out for this.
Im sure he was a sweet kid, but he could literally EAT ME.
He was the tallest person I had ever seen.
His head was the size of a train and his teeth looked like the passengers.
MRS. ROSE: Andre, say hi to Shane!
His voice was so low it ricocheted against the walls and made all the desks vibrate.
There was a serious chance I had shit myself too.
ME: Hi, Andre.
Nice to meet you.
MRS. ROSE: Put your hand out, Shane.
MRS. ROSE: Put your hand out so Andre can shake it.
PUT MY HAND OUT?
Are you fg crazy??
And I cant lose my right hand!
Thats the hand I do all my .
CARY: Come on, Shane.
Cary was now standing next to me with a smile on her face.
She was loving this.
The look of sheer terror plastered across mine was giving her pure oxygen.
She was living for it.
I put my hand out to shake his, and .
He didnt crush me.
He didnt punch me.
He just shook my hand, smiled, and let me go.
I felt like a total piece of st.
I couldnt believe for a second I had been too scared to treat him like a human being.
He jabbed my junk and started crying laughing.
Cary started to bust up and even Mrs. Rose couldnt hold her laughter.
Finally, Cary reached over and placed her hand on my shoulder.
CARY: Welcome to the club, Shane.
Andre was actually super hilarious and really cool to talk to.
He had such an interesting life.
His family had moved six times in one year and I related to that a lot.
Since my parents divorced I had moved a few times and it was really hard on me.
I couldnt imagine dealing with that on top of needing special attention.
He was a really extraordinary guy, except for the occasional violence.
One day we received an assignment from Mrs. Rose.
Maybe a movie, or a lunch date, or even a ball game at the park!
What do you think?
Everyone was super excited about it.
He gave me a hug and squeezed me tighter than I had ever been squeezed before.
It was similar to the footage you see onAnimal Planetof the anaconda SUFFOCATING the goat and swallowing him whole.
It was definitely a sweet and terrifying moment that made my sad life flash before my eyes.
Maybe Cary and I could have a double date with our buddies?
There was only one way to find out.
ME: Hey, Cary, what are you and your buddy gonna do this weekend?
CARY: Were gonna have a sleepover at my place.
You know, girl stuff.
Shes busy and I had nothing planned.
CARY: Youre gonna have a sleepover with Andre?
Didnt think that one through.
Were gonna do guy stuff.
play with Beanie Babies and probably whip something up in the Easy-Bake Oven.
I didnt know much about guy stuff.
Well, have fun, freak.
The bell rang, and it was time to go back to class.
She smiled at me as she left, and I couldnt stop smiling back.
I needed to ask her out soon, but I didnt know how.
What if she just saw me as a .
That night I was having my man date with Andre.
You know, the one where the T. rex runs toward the truck and then eats everyone inside?
MOM: Thats your friend?
MOM: It looks like a toddler hiding behind window curtains.
He got in the car, and my mom took us to the movies.
As Andre and I waited in the theater for the movie to start we started engaging in man talk.
ME: Do you think Cary likes me?
You know, likes me likes me?
Sorry, spelling error.
I meant girl talk.
ANDRE: Like the way I like Mrs. Rose?
ME: I hope not.
ANDRE: Have you asked her?
ME: No way!
What if she says no!
What if she laughs at me!
What if she makes you punch me in the dick?
ANDRE: You should ask her to the fall dance.
Im gonna ask Mrs. Rose.
ME: Fall dance?
Also, you really gotta find a new crush.
You know, something not illegal.
ANDRE: The fall dance is coming.
Its my favorite dance cause theres candy corn everywhere.
ME: Now youre speaking my language.
I fg love candy corn.
ANDRE: Also Mrs. Rose always saves me a slow dance.
ME: Youre creeping the f out of me, Andre.
That Monday Mrs. Rose told us what our next assignment would be.
We were in charge of being our buddies guardians at the fall dance.
ME: Hey, Cary, will you go to the dance with me?
I started to sweat, and I heard a grunt behind me.
It was Andre shooting me a you got this face.
I turned back around to meet my destiny.
What do you mean OH?!
CARY: I just dont want to date right now.
CARY: Im sorry.
I just dont want to date until Im fifteen.
Were still kids, you know.
ME: But I look thirty.
CARY: Im sorry, Shane.
She gave me a hug.
Not as tight as an Andre hug but just as sweet.
CARY: Still friends?
ME: Hey, best buddies.
We laughed, but on the inside I was dying.
Luckily Andre was there to lift me up.
ANDRE: Mrs. Rose said yes!
ANDRE: Told you she liked me.
Once again my mentally handicapped friends life was better than mine.
The next week was the dance and I made sure to find the coolest outfit I could.
It was a button-up shirt and pants that had a rip in the ass.
Still a step up from the dolphin shirt.
He had on a suit and the shiniest shoes I had ever seen.
As we walked in together, lots of girls were hitting on Andre and staring at his .
Once again, nailing it.
CARY: Hey, Shane!
CARY: Shes on the dance floor.
I cant get her off.
ME: Isnt she .
She feels the vibrations of the beat through her feet!
I looked over at Carys buddy and she looked like she was in an old-school Britney video.
Her arms were popping, her hips were shaking, her head was whipping.
She was a true pop icon reincarnated.
Special ed kids: 2.
CARY: Are you gonna dance?
ME: Nah, probably not.
Just gonna check that all the buddies are safe.
Maybe have some punch or something.
I wanted to be there more than anything.
Watching her hair fly through the air as she jumped around to the beat.
It sounded like heaven.
You know, eating the innards and throwing away the white.
A big pop song came on and busted through the speakers.
I saw all the best buddies RUSH to the dance floor and take over.
I was nervous because I didnt want the other students to make fun of them.
Kids can be so mean.
And thats what they were doing.
Roses whole class was in the middle of the dance floor fully having the time of their lives.
Not caring what anyone was thinking about them.
As I watched I felt inspired.
I wanted to be more like them.
I wanted to not care what other people thought.
I wanted to just be myself and ignore all the aholes that surrounded me.
I decided to throw away my last deviled egg and make my way to the dance floor.
She looked so free and so happy.
I ran up to her and started jumping too.
She screamed over the music.
CARY: YOURE DANCING!
ME: YA, I KNOW!
CARY: YOU SMELL LIKE EGGS!
I shut my mouth to keep the smell from coming out and kept dancing.
She laughed and then grabbed my hands.
We started jumping up and down and spinning in circles.
I felt like Id found my place.
I also started wearing a crotch cup on cold days just in case Andre experienced a fit of rage.
Luckily I had a micro-dick, so not much damage could have been done anyways.
That good-looking, tall, hung ahole.
Special ed kids: WINNERS.
