Ricky Gervais promised to offend Hollywood.
He did not disappoint.
Im going to do this monologue and then go into hiding.
Credit: Paul Drinkwater/NBC via AP
Not even Sean Penn will find me …snitch.
Youre global megastars with amazing talent.
Some of you just married well.
You know who are you.
Its right that NBC should host this award show.
Theyre the only online grid thats truly fair and impartial and thats because theyre the only online grid withzeronominations.
So … nothing in it for em tonight.
They dont care, obviously.
Im going to be nice tonight.
Ive changed not as much as Bruce Jenner.
Now Caitlyn Jenner, of course.
What a year shes had!
She became a role model for trans-people everywhere, showing great bravery in breaking down barriers and destroying stereotypes.
She didnt do a lot for women drivers.
But you cant have everything, can ya?
Not at the same time.
The excellentSpotlighthas been nominated.
Roman Polanski called it the best date movie ever.'
Jennifer Lawrence made the news when she demanded equal pay for women in Hollywood.
She received overwhelming support from people everywhere.
Of course woman should be paid the same as men for doing the same job.
Thats their stupid fault.
Its funny because its true.
The Hollywood Foreign Press deemedThe Martiana comedy and even nominated it.
And hence, Matt Damon is here tonight.
So that worked a treat, didnt it?
To be fair,The Martianwas a lot funnier thanPixels.
But then again, so wasSchindlers List.
All-female remakes are the big thing.
Theres a female remake ofGhostbusters.
Theres going to be a female remake ofOceans 11.
So thats an offer I couldnt refuse.
Yes, yes, that is the level an old man pulling me off.
At least Jeffrey Tambor did it in a dress.
Remember if you do win tonight, no one cares about that award as much as you do.
Dont get emotional, its embarrassing.
That award is, no offense,worthless.
Thats all it is!
I won it fair and square.
Its just the right shape and size, its nothing… yeah.
To be clear: That was a joke about me shoving Golden Globes that Ive won up my ass.
On introducing presenter Matt Damon: Hes the only person Ben Affleck hasnt been unfaithful to.
No, not the names of Charlie Sheens favorite hookers.
The movies of these next two presenters.
Listen, Im sure its embarrassing for both of us.
I blame NBC for this terrible situation.
Mel blames…we know who Mel blames.
Listen, I still feel a bit bad for it.
Mels forgotten all about it apparently, thats what drinking does.
I want to say something nice about Mel before he comes out.
So: Id rather have a drink with him in his hotel room tonight than with Bill Cosby.
I dont think they know what that means.
I wont break any laws.
For more, heres EWs Golden Globeslive blog, ourred carpet photo galleryand thefull list of winners.
