“Does it hold up?”
or “The CGI falls short!”
I mean, maybe?
Either way, what better way to celebrate a film than to unnecessarily rank its content?
I’m willing to assume the biggest challenge either boy faced in Jumanji was some sort of spooky dysentery.
Lion
“His fangs are sharp.
He likes your taste.
Your party better moveposte haste.”
But, all things considered, the lion didn’t really do…anything.
Bats
“At night they fly, you better run.
These winged things are not much fun.”
Bats are decidedlynot at allfun, as we learned inBatmanand other such pop culture movies about bats.
Controversial opinion: Getting sucked into Jumanji is Not!
It’s a concrete Jumanji!
Jungle Jumanji was probably more like a vacation, if anything.
Observe the photo above.
What does Alan FEEL?
His screams suggest nothing less than pain.
Okay, maybe this one should be higher on the list.
Earthquake
“You’re almost there with much at stake.
Now, the ground begins to quake.”
By the time the earthquake arrives, it actually helps our heroes.
Alan and Sarah, frozen in quicksand (see: No.
8), are freed from the ground, and the spiders (see: No.
- are quickly frightened away.
Not bad, right?
The hunter Van Pelt
“A hunter from the darkest wild makes you feel just like a child.”
Quicksand
“Beware the ground on which you stand, the floor is quicker than the sand.”
Spiders
“Need a hand?
Why you just wait.
We’ll help you out, we each have eight.”
Thus, the arrival of theseTyra Banks-in-Life-Size-sized arachnids is entirely inopportune for everyone involved.
They showed absolutely no sign of backing down!
The monkeys
“This will not be an easy mission, monkeys slow the expedition.”
Regular monkeys would have been fine.
If this clue summoned 100 Marcels fromFriends, great!
Most outrageous of all?
Why not say the same thing about the iceberg that sank the Titanic?
Becoming a monkey because you cheated
“A law of Jumanji has been broken.
You will set back even more than your token.”
Evolution is super harsh, but devolution is even worse.
Could any Jumanjo be more emotionally damaging than the one affecting humankind’s own aesthetic!?
Twitter should start doing this to people who subtweet.
The monsoon
“Every month at the quarter moon, there’ll be a monsoon.”
The mosquitoes
“A tiny bite can make you itch, make you sneeze, make you twitch.”
You think it’s possible for you to handle mosquitoes because you’ve been in the woods before.
Great, aren’t you just so proud of yourself?
ButJumanji’s mosquitoes are burrito-sized, and, unlike the spiders, these mosquitoes aren’t floor-bound.
They’re not even satisfied being relegated to the outdoors!
They break through glass and rip through car roofs in their quest for blood.
And yet, you don’t remember anything after Judy hits one with a tennis racket, do you?
But it doesn’t stop at speed.
Audrey II would blush.
The stampede
“Don’t be fooled, it isn’t thunder.
Staying put would be a blunder.”
The clue isthemost unhelpful and vague.
The damage iseasilythe most thoroughly destructive and outright problematic.
And the CGI is the stuff thatmade EW callthe movie a revolution in fantasy moviemaking.
The charging animals never even seem to express a desire to live lives outside the stampede.
