Well, Im here at the Academy Awards, otherwise known as the White Peoples Choice Awards.
You realize if they nominated hosts, I wouldnt even get this job.
So yall be watching Neil Patrick Harris right now.
Credit: Kevin Winter/Getty Images
But this is the wildest, craziest Oscars to ever host, because weve got all this controversy.
No, no black nominees, you know, and people are like Chris, you should boycott.
Chris, you should quit.
How come theres only unemployed people that tell you to quit something, you know?
No one with a job ever tells you to quit.
So, I thought about quitting.
I thought about it real hard.
But, I realized, theyre gonna have the Oscars anyway.
Theyre not gonna cancel the Oscars because I quit.
And the last thing I need is to lose another job to Kevin Hart, okay?
I dont need that.
Kev right there Kev make movies fast.
Porno stars dont make movies that fast.
Now the thing is why are we protesting?
The big question: Why this Oscars?
Why this Oscars, you know?
Its the 88th Academy Awards.
Im sure there were no black nominees some of those years.
Say 62 or 63, and black people did not protest.
Because we had real things to protest at the time, you know?
But what happened this year?
Spike got mad and Sharpton got mad and Jada went mad, and Will went mad.
Everybody went mad, you know?
Jada says she not coming, protesting.
Im like, Aint she on a TV show?
Jada is going to boycott the Oscars?
Jada boycotting the Oscars is like me boycotting Rihannas panties.
Oh, thats not an invitation I would turn down.
But I understand, Im not hating.
I understand you mad.
Jadas mad her man Will was not nominated forConcussion.
I get it, I get it.
I get it, I get it.
You get mad its not fair that Will was this good and didnt get nominated.
Yeah, youre right.
Its also not fair that Will was paid $20 million forWild Wild West.
Thing, you know, this year, the Oscars, things are gonna be a little different.
Things are going to be a little different at the Oscars.
Thats what you need.
you should probably have black categories.
You already do it with men and women.
Its not track and field.
You dont have to separate em.
No, not at all, man.
If you want black people every year at the Oscars, just have black categories like Best Black Friend.
And the winner for the 18th year in a row is Wanda Sykes.
This is Wandas 18th Black Oscar.
But heres the real question.
You know, thats a… you gotta go at that at the right way.
Is it burning-cross racist?
Is it fetch-me-some-lemonade racist?
No, no, no.
Its a different bang out of racist.
Now, I remember one night I was at a fund-raiser for President Obama.
A lot of you were there.
And, you know, its me and all of Hollywood.
And its all of us there.
You know, the usual suspects, right?
And every black actor that wasnt working.
Needless, to say Kev Hart was not there.
Im like, Mr. President, you see all these writers and producers and actors?
They dont hire black people, and theyre the nicest, white people on earth!
Youre damn right Hollywood is racist.
But it aint that racist that youve grown accustomed to.
Hollywood is sorority racist.
Its like, We like you Rhonda, but youre not a Kappa.
Thats how Hollywood is.
But things are changing.
We got a black Rocky this year.
Some people call it Creed.
I call it Black Rocky.
And thats a big, thats an unbelievable statement.
I mean, cause Rocky takes place in a world where white athletes are as good as black athletes.
Rocky is a science fiction movie.
Theres things that happened in Star Wars that are more believable than things that happened in Rocky, okay?
But hey, were here to honor actors.
Were here to honor actors, were here to honor films.
Theres a lot of snubs, lot of snubs.
One of the biggest snubs no ones talking about: My favorite actor in the world is Paul Giamatti.
Paul Giamatti, I believe, is the greatest actor in the world.
Think about what Paul Giamatti has done the last couple of years.
Last year, hes in 12 Years a Slave hates black people.
This year hes in Straight Outta Compton loves black people.
Last year, he was whooping Lupita; this year, hes crying at Eazy-Es funeral.
Now, thats range.
Ben Affleck cant do that.
What Im trying to say is, you know, its not about boycotting anything.
Its just, we want opportunity.
We want the black actors to get the same opportunities as white actors.
But what about the black actors?
Look at Jamie Foxx.
Jamie Foxx is one of the best actors in the world, man.
Jamie Foxx was so good in Ray that they went to the hospital and unplugged the real Ray Charles.
Its like, We dont need two of these!
You know, everythings not about race, man.
Theres this whole thing, Ask her more.
You have to ask her more.
You know its like, You ask the men more.
Hey, everythings not sexism, everythings not racism.
They ask the men more because the men are all wearing the same outfits, okay?
Every guy in there is wearing the exact same thing.
Hey, welcome to the 88th Oscars, Academy Awards.
Yes, thank you.
c’mon welcome Emily Blunt and somebody whiter, Charlize Theron.
