So, heres what happened.
One hour later, Steve Carell, KalingsOfficeco-star and wig enthusiast,tweeted: Count me in.
Working title:Cruz Control.
Credit: Carell: Mitchell Haaseth/NBC; Cruz: Andrew Harnik/AP
Just kidding, itsCruz Origins: America Rising.
No no, itsA Good Day to Cruz Hard.
Also onstage: DONALD TRUMP, ancient, fetid.
DONALD TRUMP:And I tell you, we need arealman in the White House!
Hes not even an American!
The crowd audibly gasps.MEGYN KELLY, journalist, turns to Ted Cruz.
TED CRUZ:A true American…a true American… RAFAEL CRUZ:Gaze upon this country, my son.
This country is America.
Someday, it will belong to you.
FOUR-YEAR-OLD TED CRUZ:Father, I thought we were Canadian.
RAFAEL CRUZ:America isnt something you are.
America is something you be.
FOUR-YEAR-OLD TED CRUZ:I understand.
RAFAEL CRUZ:Also, abolish the IRS.
He sits on a futon next to CRAIG MAZIN, roommate andfuture nemesis.
TED CRUZ:I think Ive got a chance with Tiffani, Kimberly, Courtney, or Tiffany.
CRAIG MAZIN:I dont care.
Hey, me and everyone who isnt you is going to Atlantic City for the weekend.
The camera ZOOMS onto Ted Cruz face.
TED CRUZ:Trump…Trump…Trump.
TED CRUZ:I think we might actually win this court case!
George W. Bush is going to be President of the United States!
TED CRUZ:Perhaps someday a president will nominate you to the Supreme Court.
JOHN ROBERTS:That is what presidents do.
They nominate Supreme Court Justices.
TED CRUZ:Well…somepresidents.
John Roberts stares blankly at him.
SCENE FIVE: IOWA, 2016
Ted Cruz celebrates his victory in the Iowa caucuses.
TED CRUZ:I won!
Dr. Ben Carson, played by Cuba Gooding Jr., enters the room.
BEN CARSON:Bro, did you tell voters I was suspending my campaign?
TED CRUZ:[flop-sweating] No.
Look, we can all agree, none of us like Trump, right?
BEN CARSON:Yeah, but nobody likes you, either.
TED CRUZ:I like me.
BEN CARSON:Really?
TED CRUZ:No.
MEGYN KELLY:Senator Cruz?
SCENE SIX:GOP DEBATE, 2016
The whole movie has been a long flashback.
Ted Cruz snaps out of it.
MEGYN KELLY:Senator Cruz?
I say again: What makes you a True American?
TED CRUZ:I learned how to be an American…from my father.
DONALD TRUMP:Ah ha, but thats the irony, Teddy!
You see…Iamyour father!
They fight with lightsabers.
*Mindy Kaling did not write this.
