I felt the cool breeze on my face as I walked out the front door.
The summer had been long and lazy, crowded with hot, and rainless days.
Those summer days were over now.
Credit: Cybele Knowles
The first day of school.
Id always wondered what it would be like to be a senior.
And now I was about to find out what all the wondering was about.
That was the story according to Sam, my best friend.
When you had a best friend who knew everything, it saved you a lot of work.
Not that life was about information.
Sam, she was smart as hell.
And she knew stuff.
Lots and lots of stuff.
Oh, man, could Sam feel.
Sam knew who Sam was.
I guess I wasnt always so sure.
So what if sometimes Sam was an emotional exhibitionist, going up and down all the time.
She could be a storm.
But she could be a soft candle lighting up a dark room.
So what if she made me a little crazy.
I was a different story.
I kept myself in check.
I guess I had this control thing over myself.
I liked keeping it calm.
But sometimes I felt as if I werent doing any living at all.
Maybe I needed Sam because being around her made me feel more alive.
Maybe that didnt seem logical, but maybe the thing we called logic was overrated.
We walked to school together every day.
No cars for us.
Dad liked to remind me that I didnt need a car.
You have legs, dont you?
I loved my dad, but I didnt always appreciate his sense of humor.
I texted Sam as I reached her front door:Im here!She didnt answer.
I stod there waiting.
And, you know, I got this weird feeling that things werent going to be the same.
Sam called feelings like that premonitions.
She said we shouldnt trust them.
She consulted a palm reader when we were in the ninth grade, and she became an instant cynic.
Still, that feeling rattled me because I wanted things to stay the sameI liked my life just fine.
If things could always be the way they were now.
I knew what she was up to.
Sam could never decide on the shoes.
And since it was the first day of school, it really mattered.
Sam and her relationship with shoes.
Finally she came out of the house as I was texting Fito.
His dramas were different from Sams.
Hi, Sam said as she finally walked out of her house.
She was oblivious to the fact that Id been standing there waiting.
She was wearing a blue dress.
Her backpack matched her dress, and her earrings dangled in the soft breeze.
I waited all this time for a pair of sandals she bought at Target?
Great day, she said, all smiles and enthusiasm.
Thats what I was waiting for?
She wasnt going to let me throw her off her game.
She gave me another smile and kissed me on the cheek.
What was that for?
Dont bring that word up again.
Thats all weve talked about all summer.
You were a little absent during those discussions.
Is that what they were?
I thought they were monologues.
She made a fist and held it high in the air.
Life, I said.
She gave me one of her Sam looks.
We grinned at each other.
And then we were on our way.
The first day of school was completely forgettable.
Maybe they were just trying to get us to modify our behavior.
Lets face it, a lot of our behavior needed to be modified.
Sam said that ninety percent of El Paso High School students needed behavior modification therapy.
This year I just wasnotinto this whole first-day experience.
As in do it for her.
Like that was going to happen.
I had no idea how she managed to get into AP classes.
She was living proof that our educational system was questionable.
Yeah, first day of school.
Except that Fito didnt show.
I worried about that guy.
Id met Fitos mother only once, and she didnt seem like she was actually living on this planet.
Fito had been embarrassed as hell.
Okay, the thing with me is that I was a worrier.
I hated that about me.
Sam and I were walking back home after our forgettable first day at school.
It looked like it was going to rain, and like most desert rats, I loved the rain.
Air smells good, I told her.
Youre not listening to me, she said.
I was used to that Im-annoyed-with-you tone she sometimes took with me.
Shed been going on and on about hummingbirds.
She was all about hummingbirds.
She even had a hummingbird T-shirt.
Sam and her phases.
Their hearts beat up to one thousand two hundred and sixty beats per minute.
Youre mocking me, she said.
I wasnt mocking you, I said.
I was just smiling.
I know all your smiles, she said.
Thats your mocking smile, Sally.
So she got into the habit of calling me Sally.
What normal guy wanted to be called Sally?
(Not that I was going fornormal.)
Look, you couldnt tell Sam not to do something.
If you told her not to do it, ninety-seven percent of the time she did it.
Nobody could outstubborn Sam.
She just gave me that look that said I was going to have to get over it.
So, to Sam, I was Sally.
Thats when I began calling her Sammy.
Everyone had to find a way to even up the score.
So, anyway, she was giving me the lowdown on the statistics of hummingbirds.
She started getting mad at me and accusing me of not taking her seriously.
Sam hated to be blown off.
woman of substance lives here.
She had that posted on her locker at school.
I think she stayed up at night thinking of mottoes.
Thesubstancepart, well, I got that.
Sam wasnt exactly shallow.
She didnt like my little reminder.
I got that shut-up look.
Finally I had toI meanI had tointerrupt her.
Why do you always have to pick a fight with me, Sammy?
Look, Im not making fun.
And its not as if you dont know that Im not exactly a numbers guy.
Me and numbers equalsno bueno.
When you give me stats, my eyes glaze over.
As my dad liked to say, Sam was undeterred.
She started in again, but this time it wasnt me who interrupted herit was Enrique Infante.
Hed come up behind us as Sam and I were walking.
And all of a sudden he jumped in front of me and was in my face.
Something happened inside me.
A huge and uncontrollable wave ran through me and crashed on the shore that was my heart.
I remember feeling the pain in my own fist just after it hit Enrique Infantes face.
Seeing all that blood gush out of another guys nose made me feel alive.
And that scared me.
I had something in me that scared me.
The next thing I remembered was that I was staring down at Enrique as he lay on the ground.
I was my calm self againwell, notcalm,but at least I could talk.
And I said, My dad is a man.
He has a name.
His name is Vicente.
So if you want to call him something, call him by his name.
Sam just looked at me.
I looked back at her.
Well, this is new, she said.
What happened to the good boy?
I never knew you had it in you to punch a guy.
I didnt either, I said.
Sam smiled at me.
It was kind of a strange smile.
I looked down at Enrique.
I tried to help him up, but he wasnt having any of it.
Fuck you, he said as he picked himself up off the ground.
Sam and I watched as he walked away.
He turned around and flipped me the bird.
I was a little stunned.
I looked at Sam.
Maybe we dont always know what we have in us.
True, that, Sam said.
I think there are a lot of things that find a hiding place in our bodies.
Maybe those things should keep themselves hidden, I said.
We slowly made our way home.
Sam and I didnt say anything for a long time, and that silence between us was definitely unsettling.
Then Sam finally said, Nice way to begin senior year.
Thats when I started shaking.
Hey, hey, she said.
Didnt I tell you this morning that we should kick some ass?
Funny girl, I said.
Look, Sally, he deserved what he got.
She gave me one of her smiles.
One of her take-it-easy smiles.
Okay, okay, so you shouldnt go around hitting people.No bueno.
Maybe theres a bad boy inside you just waiting to come out.
Nah, not a chance.
I told myself that Id had this really strange moment.
But something told me she was right.
Or halfway right, anyhow.
Thats how I felt.
Maybe Sam was right about things hiding inside of us.
How many more things were hiding there?
We walked the rest of the way home in silence.
I sometimes drank Coke.
Kind of like a comfort drink.
We sat on the curb and drank our sodas.
When I dropped Sam off at her house, she hugged me.
Everythings gonna be just fine, Sally.
You know theyre gonna call my dad.
Yeah, but Mr. Vs cool.
Mr. V. Thats what Sam called my dad.
Yeah, I said.
But Mr. V happens to be my dadand a dads a dad.
Everythings gonna be okay, Sally.
Yeah, I said.
Sometimes I was full of halfheartedyeahs.
As I was walking home, I pictured the hate on Enrique Infantes face.
I could still hearfaggotringing in my ears.
My dad wasnotthat word.
He would never be that word.
Then there was a loud clap of thunderand the rain came pouring down.
I couldnt see anything in front of me as the storm surrounded me.
I kept walking, my head down.
I just kept walking.
I felt the heaviness of my rain-soaked clothes.
And for the first time in my life, I felt alone.
