Or your mom burst into your bedroom screaming, Get up!
And from that point on, you knew it was going to be a bad day.
Well, thats what this episode reminded me of.
Credit: ABC/Rick Rowell
No wonder Jared is thinking about going home.
Reminder: This is happening after hes told her, repeatedly, thats he not interested.
Beating a back-from-the-dead horse, Jared reminds Ashley he likes Caila.
But we should probably all give Ashley I. a break, right?
After all, she is currently experiencing the greatest pain anyone could ever experience.
Right, mothers everywhere?
As Ashley continues to sniffle with a startling aggression seriously, why doesnt she carry tissues by now?
we check in on the rest of the group.
Current status: Carly likes Evan, and shes sorry she pushed him away.
After he kisses her, Evan speaks for all of us when he says, Shut the front door!
And to think, all it took was faking an injury.
However, hes not sure when she last showered, so he passes on the licking.
NEXT: Haley takes one for the team
After Daniel decides uncooked cake is how you get worms (?
), the twins take a stab at come up with a plan to top cake.
Its Emily who has an idea: Haley has to kiss Daniel.
Lets hope thats the first time shes said that sentence.
Its amazing and I want you to know that, Daniel tells Haley before going in for the kiss.
But she does it.
And she couldve just saved the twins.
Sleep with 10 more!
Daniel proceeds to tell the producers why sleeping with a virgin is so great.
Its a busy night in paradise, guys.
Heres what goes down at the rose ceremony:
Grant gives his rose to Lace.
Josh gives his rose to Amandas tongue.
Nick gives his rose to Jen.
Vinny gives his rose to Izzy.
Evan gives his rose to Carly.
Jared, much to Ashleys surprise, gives his rose to Caila.
And Daniel proves a kiss trumps cake when he gives his rose to Haley/Emily.
That means Sarah and Ashley are going home.
Well, at least Sarah is.
NEXT: Ashley asks to stay
The moment she walks back into paradise, something magical happens.
I never thought Id say this sentence, but WE ARE ALL NICK.
His groan is the most relatable thing thats ever happened on this show.
But Ashleys sticking to her guns.
The next day, the new Ashley is this version three since the first one was sacrificed?
is trying to keep her composure when yet another unknown enters paradise.
Carl, a firefighter from Andis season, joins the party and quickly catches Emilys eye.
Do they not realize you have to walk DOWN stairs to get to paradise?
But Brett has his sights set on Caila, and she agrees to go on a date with him.
Well, at first.
Heading back to Brett, she tells him shes staying…then going…then staying…then going.
Spoiler: She goes…and then wishes shed stayed.
There are lap dances, and you know what?
Emily and Carl are loving it (even if no one can remember Carls very easy name).
Caila, on the other hand, shuts down Brett when he tries to give her a lap dance.
As she tells producers, this is the kind of stuff romance novels are made of.
Those endings always make me cry.
(Hint: Hes not your soul mate.)
Meanwhile, Brett sets his sights on Haley, who informs him shes definitely not into Daniel.
As Brett puts it, Haley will be mine.
Im sorry, who is this guy?
The evil villain in a Disney film?
NEXT: Enter Ryan B.
And because three forgettable men is better than two, Ryan B.
(from Kaitlyns season) walks into paradise, and only Jared is excited about it.
On the other end of the spectrum is Daniel, who thinks Ryan is too old for love.
Apparently Ryan is a silver fox in competition with Daniels papa bear?
Wait, is Daniel no longer an eagle?
As Daniel puts it, the silver fox is trying to steal the pigeon away from papa bear.
So not only is he no longer an eagle, but Haleys a pigeon?
I guess eagles dont settle for pigeons, but bears do?
On their date, Ryan and Haley ride horses around a beautiful setting and literally do nothing else.
And I say finally because its been WEEKS.
I mean, its not rocket science, people.
Apparently, the whole jeans-and-sandals look just really does it for her.
The next morning, a heartbroken Vinny updates the fellas and contemplates going home.
But Nick convinces him to talk to Izzy one more time before making any big decisions.
There are so many to choose from.
Wish me luck (and yo send tissues).
