Women age differently than men, Gaga tells us at the start of the ninth episode ofHotel.
The last 100 years of my immortal life have been a lie, she explains.
In truth, I have controlled nothing.
Credit: Ray Mickshaw/FX
Thats going to change.
The marriage to Will Drake is coming right up, but she refuses to be his show pony.
You design my gown, she demands her husband.
Ill take care of everything else.
Donovan brings the male porn star as a feast.
Hes got a question.
If the Countess killed Ramonas rapper boyfriend in the early 90s, why is she just now seeking vengeance?
Seeking respite from her miserable loneliness, Ramona returned to her parents house.
Her mom died soon; her father, much slower, fading into dementia.
On a whim, she fed him some of her immortality blood.
It worked in the worst way: Keeping him alive, without healing any of his faded brain cells.
Twenty years passed, until she fed him some xanax and pushed him deep down into a bathtub.
The shock of that loss brought Ramona back to the world.
The world had changed.
The internet, she explains.
My old movies streaming for free.
NEXT:Remember the vampire kids?
This season ofAmerican Horror Storyhas enough fodder for at least fifteenAmerican Horror Storys.
By far my favorite half-explored story arc this season is the bit about the Viralized Children.
Alex discovers the kids, feasting on a pizza guy.
She tries to convince them to come with her, back to the Hotel Cortez.
So much of this season has focused on parents and their children.
It makes me wonder if those little Viralized Children have some grander role in this seasons final act.
Could we be building towards some kind of generational showdown: immortal forever-children versus their undead parents, perhaps?
Ramona tries to kill the Countess but winds up back-tased by Donovan.
Donovan is back on Team Gaga, it turns out.
He never stopped loving her, and he doesnt see that shes so clearly lying to him.
For the Countess has planned her exit strategy.
An eternity with Rudolph Valentino: How could anyone turn that down?
But there is the slight problem of Natacha, who has taken very much to this modern world.
She speaks of nothing but shopping and Uber, explains Rudy.
The Countess has a plan to take care of her.
The Countess, it seems, has a plan for everything.
And so she marries Drake: A quiet ceremony, attended only by people who want the Countess dead.
Drake takes over the bar, where he meets James Patrick March in the unflesh.
March chats him up a bit, talking about good fortune and new worlds to come and blended families.
Blended, and how: March shows Drake the room of little Bartholomew.
Drake is understandably horrified by theEraserhead-ness of the Countess progeny.
Fortunately, nobody dies all the way in the Cortez, and Drake will undoubtedly return in spectral form.
How many dead ex-husbands can one woman fit into a hotel, anyhow?
