Lady Gaga shows up to the Murder House sometime in the late 20s.
You surely recognize Murder House, and the abortionist Charles Montgomery, fromAmerican Horror Storyseason 1.
Charles Montgomery conducts his operation.
Credit: Ray Mickshaw/FX
(Can dont-call-them-vampires get pregnant?
Has Gaga been using birth control ever since?)
The nurse holds the fetus, horrified.
I think its still alive!
It is; shes not, for long.
Is this the birth of the Infantata?
The mystery of Bartholomew played out over the course of this weeks episode ofAmerican Horror Story.
There are more important things to focus on, for now….
…like love!
Yes, while no one was paying attention, Tristan and Liz Taylor have fallen deeply into it.
Theyre pefect for each other.
Tristan and Liz arent just some casual fling.
This is a full-fledged, once-in-an-immortal-lifetime romance.
Could it possibly work out?
Speaking of boundary-bursting family arrangements!
When he wakes up, Alex insists hes been seeing visions.
I think youre having a psychotic break, Alex insists.
They go downstairs to investigate his visions.
There are no coffins in the pool.There are no coffins in the pool.
Upstairs, Gaga visits Room 33 and says goodbye to her dear sweet Bartholomew.
Theres a pattern forming here, a swoony inverted-Oedipal romance.
Mothers and their eternal children: Alex and Holden, Gaga and Bartholomew, even Iris and Donovan.
Where does that leave dads?
Donovan and Ramona waltz in, plotting vengeance while Gagas away.
But the little blondies are nowhere to be found and Bartholomew escapes.
Helplessly devoted Donovan goes up to Gagas penthouse, remembering better times.
He runs afoul of our Danish tourists, from way back in the season finale a million years ago.
Theyre wandering ghosts in search of a purpose.
Donovan tells them the story of Cara, the suicide teacher who started killing people.
Not to free herself.
Just to free the monotony.
The mind runs back toMurder House, and the endless parade of murdering ghouls.
In season 1, a family found grace in the afterlife.
They didnt break the cycle.
They put up a Christmas tree.
They made themselves a happy forever.
Will that be the solution here?
The Danish girls launch an attack threesome on visiting bro Mister Wu.
The hamster wheel keeps spinning.
NEXT: Drive Himself Crazy
Alex has a hot idea for the Danish girls.
Just drive them mad, mad, mad!
Shes got a target on mind.
Truth is, though, poor John is already most of the way there.
His old partner tells him to get lost.
I love my kids.
I love my wife.
Its not my fault Im so sy at it, is it?
he asks, which is my second favorite thing Wes Bentley says tonight.
(My most favorite: This is my breakdown!
Im gonna have it!)
John races down to the hotel lobby, naked, begging Liz Taylor to help him.
Theres a surprise for John, of course: Bartholomew sneaks into his suitcase before he leaves.
Liz comes clean to Lady Gaga.
In love with Tristan real, great big crazy love!
No way Gaga feels that way about Tristan, right?
Gaga: I dont share.
But she lets Tristan and Liz talk it out with her.
Tristan calls her out.
Tristan chooses Liz; Liz chooses Tristan; Gaga chooses to open Tristans neck wide open.
Back at the Lowe Home, John promises his daughter he wont leave her alone.
Then John sees something in the kitchen and pulls the trigger a few times.
The daughter runs away, back to grandmas house.
Alex shows up, tells John he just needs to relax.
More and more, I wonder if this season is about the dichotomy between those two places.
John thought he wanted to go to the Hotel, but it ruined him.
Now its Alexs turn.
She finds Bartholomew and brings him home: rescuing Gagas son, as Gaga rescued hers.
(Never mind that Gaga actually stole her son.)
The camera lingers on Bartholomews strange face.
But I prefer to recall the final shot of his room, with the numbers 33 shining bright.
A number with resonance: the age of Jesus on the cross.
Is Bartholomew this Hotels Messiah?
Does that make Lady Gaga the Virgin Mary?
