Blame it on new money.
Call the cops man!
I dont give a s!
Credit: Suzanne Tenner/FX
Im coming out in a Lars Von Trier movie next year!
American Horror Storyinevitably points back to Hollywood.
So many failed actresses found their way from film sets to theMurder House.
Enter Evan Peters, with a pencil-thin mustache and one of those accents that died out with Method Acting.
Enter James Patrick March, art-deco freak, oil tycoon millionaire, murder fetishist.
A hotel built for perfect murders, with secret rooms, walls lined with asbestos, doors to nowhere.
Isnt that the origin story of every great and terrible Hollywood king of the studio era?
James March dies before the cops could get him.
His penultimate victim is his beloved Maid; his final victim is himself.
Iris tells this story to Detective Lowe, one lonely night in the Cortez.
Lowe is impressed: You should be writing for the movies.
There are ghosts in the Cortez: March and his maid, Sarah Paulsen and her bad attitude.
But what of Lady Gaga, and her dude-concubine, and her little children?
This episode confirmed that they are vampires, kind of, albeit vampires with their own rules.
Children are a running idea this season.
The housewife is an anti-vaccine kook.
We did what she thought was right, she says, utterly wrong.
The Lowes arent really in a position to criticize.
Heres a question: What the hell is Detective Lowe doing in this wacky hotel?
Chutes and Ladders built up the idea that he isnt just investigating.
Hes looking to walk on the wild side, maybe.
He drank ginger ale; he hasnt had a drink in quite some time.
A dark vision of Detective Lowes future, perhaps?
I dont think it was?
Also, yes, then there was a fashion show?
In the middle of the Cortez, heretofore a completely empty and decrepit-looking ruin?
Case in point: Finn Wittrock, Dandy that was, reappearing as Tristan Duffy, bad-boy male model.
NEXT: Get up, come on, get down with the Virus
Tristan walks the runway.
Also present is Naomi Campbell, playing the same Naomi Campbell she played inEmpire, basically.
They have wild sex and then wilder sexposition.
Tristan has The Virus now passed on by drinking Gagas blood.
He has a supercharged immune system but hell die from a silver bullet, or a stake.
Actually, maybe it is wrong to call whatever this is Vampire.
This explanation gave us our Peak Gaga Moment of the Night.
Thats when Im most alive.
I love the late 1970s the most.
I was the Disco Queen.
But we are all insane.
For whatever reason, the initial Recessionary burst reformulated Americans essential materialist lust.
We didnt want soft-light visions of decadence; we wanted visions of money burnt into the flames of debauchery.
(ExitThe Hills; enterJersey Shore.)
The jag against Gaga was always that she was somehow inauthentic or unoriginal.
She mentioned her fallen friends: Andy.
None of this interests Tristan, of course.
Hes a child of now.
He wants to hunt Kendall Jenner: Bitch blew me off at Coachella.
Hes so cool that all his favorite Kardashians are Jenners.
He calls up a handsome bearded man on Grindr so he can drink the man dry with Gaga.
When she met Donovan, he was a Cobain-key in with a flannel shirt and a drug habit.
That was the 90s.
Finn Wittrock was barely even born then.
So its goodbye Donovan, hello Tristan.
Gaga keeps getting older, but the boys stay the same age.
And Gaga stays the same age, too.
